Wednesday, 29 December 2010
Monday, 20 December 2010
Sunday, 19 December 2010
Friday, 17 December 2010
A Day After We First became Separated(Part 1)
One of the toughest things I have had to do in the early days of our separation, was to ask for spiritual help and support! I remember when this happened, during a Tuesday prayer meeting in church. It seems on this particular evening, some of the ladies(Ghanaian) who considered themselves my wife's friends were present. I was surprised, because many of them did not often attend, as they had young children. Our church, just like a good number of Elim Pentecostal Churches in London, is multiracial.
So that evening, was featured by an interesting mixture of responses. The Pastor and his wife looked stunned, as if I had just dropped a bombshell!(I am exaggerating a bit). But I felt both vulnerable and relieved. That was more than a year ago, I am still attending church, still feeling vulnerable. Many awkward moments but still going on! I have learnt a lot about myself through the experience of separation. I have learnt to face certain truths about myself.Through this journey, what I have been describing as a therapeutic model
began to evolve.
I had to admit to myself that, the pain and heartache of separation can disguise some hidden treasure. I am learning to appreciate life more, myself more, my feelings more, my quiet moments more, my family more, my life more, my children more, my... wife more.I have discovered that doing the most basic things for them gives me more pleasure now than it used to. One of the very first things I also did, was to get on my knees before God, and admit my failure! The basis was that, I had made a vow to stay in a relationship for life.But I had played a part in things deteriorating. The issue was not whose fault it was. THAT WAS A QUESTION THAT COULD ONLY BE ANSWERED IF SOMEONE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR FAILURE! I AM THE HUSBAND, I HAD TO DO SO!
I was perceptive enough to appreciate the fact that, the answers I was looking for, would never be found through apportioning of blame. I had to take full responsibility for the failure of my marriage, or else invite a time wasting circus of charismatic theologian opinion pollsters into our marriage! What could have happened to my marriage? The trauma of gossip! Too many commentators! Each of them deciding who was at fault, doing so at expense of my children's welfare and my wife's peace of mind.
When I saw the signs, I decide to nip it in the bud by breaking the code of secrecy surrounding our marriage.I realised that, marriage was more than a theological construct! It was a covenant! You can stay within the spirit of a covenant no matter the circumstances!What is my point? Well I would like to say that I identify with the rationale behind folks saying that, their marriage is their own business and they owe no one an explanation when they move or into the next relationship. I can identify with that, BUT I DO NOT AGREE WITH THAT! IT IS SIMPLY A THEOLOGICALLY LIBERAL EVASION OF REALITY!
On Saturday the 5th of August 2000, about 1000 individuals(Adults and children of both genders), sacrificed most of their day, at significant personal expense
in order to attend our wedding ceremony and reception. They participated
in a solemn occasion, witnessed the exchange of marriage vows, and ...into that union were born two wonderful children. The cute and handsome Jacques, and the very pretty, beautiful princess Sapphire, who turns 5 on Sunday. So this is my point. Whenever I came to the decison(I am not suggesting I have) that the 'efficacy' of the wedding vows I made had 'dwindled', I OWED ALL THOSE FOLK AN EXPLANATION! OTHERWISE, I SHOULD HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO THEM, THEY WERE WITNESS AN EVENT, WHICH WOULD ONLY LAST FOR A DECADE! Just making a point!
Most of those folk, would experience morew clarity, for their own sake and for the community's intergrity sake....if an element of transparency is involved. So for example,not trying to justify anything to them. But giving them the respect to open up and say, 'we blew it' or atleast, this is what went wrong!Not in any kind of detail, but then to take steps to ensure that the institution of marriage experiences the restoration of a degree of honor! SO THIS IS MY POINT! TO ALL OF YOU FB FRIENDS WHO WERE PRESENT DURING MY WEDDING, SOME OF YOUR PARTICIPATED IN VARIOUS WAYS. A LOT OF YOU MADE SIGNIFICANT SACRIFICES,FINANCIAL, RESOURCES, TIME, ETC.
I STILL TAKE THOSE VOWS YOU WITNESSED ME EXCHANGING SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH JUST LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN READING, I AM ON A JOURNEY TO ENSURE THAT I LEARN SOME VALUABLE LESSONS FROM EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENEDThis is what I DISAGREE WITH: It is the view that, what I do in my marriage and whether my marriage leads to separation, divorce or remarriage is no one's business but mine! To me that is a theologically liberal perspective I disagree with.THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYTHING I DO, IF I SHARE A CHRISTIAN FAITH:
Firstly, I am accountable to God in this life and the hereafter.Secondly, my actions have implications on others 'here on earth'.I understand that what I share is a matter of faith;for anyone whose view on such matters is accented towards a theologically liberal pos.,they may take issues with what they consider, my 'literal' approach to interpretation of the scriptures. IF YOU REMEMBER MY SERIES ON A THEOLOGICALLY LEGALISTIC POSITION, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND I AM NOT ADVOCATING 'A HARDLINE' POSITION.
So my main criticism of the more theologically liberal position is the scale of confusion IT PRODUCES. There have got to be boundaries that we hold ourselves accountable by. We are individuals, but we also belong somewhere....such as in a family, community, faith grounp, christian community,society as a whole. In the world in which we live, our actions have consequences on others, esp., vulnerable people children, elderly,the sick. I do not believe that an incident of separation or breakdown in marriage is preventable in all cases. Infact, I still think by a conspiracy of silence, by not providing support/resources for remarried couples, the
Christian churches are abdicating responsibility for strong marriages.
I am going to end this reflection till next time. Let me add this. I still think that in some cases the breakdown of a marriage, is beyond an individual's control. He or she may go through a period or phase of reflection, celibacy(which I feel provides an important interlude). Through healing, they find that they are in a position to start again. This is what happened to Joel Osteen's parents. He says his mum Doddie was that second wife of Dad, the late John Osteen. Our world is impacted by our actions. Not just true of 'global warming' ! There is stronger evidence for 'entire communities eventually melting' from the heat generated in many relationships.
(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson
!
So that evening, was featured by an interesting mixture of responses. The Pastor and his wife looked stunned, as if I had just dropped a bombshell!(I am exaggerating a bit). But I felt both vulnerable and relieved. That was more than a year ago, I am still attending church, still feeling vulnerable. Many awkward moments but still going on! I have learnt a lot about myself through the experience of separation. I have learnt to face certain truths about myself.Through this journey, what I have been describing as a therapeutic model
began to evolve.
I had to admit to myself that, the pain and heartache of separation can disguise some hidden treasure. I am learning to appreciate life more, myself more, my feelings more, my quiet moments more, my family more, my life more, my children more, my... wife more.I have discovered that doing the most basic things for them gives me more pleasure now than it used to. One of the very first things I also did, was to get on my knees before God, and admit my failure! The basis was that, I had made a vow to stay in a relationship for life.But I had played a part in things deteriorating. The issue was not whose fault it was. THAT WAS A QUESTION THAT COULD ONLY BE ANSWERED IF SOMEONE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR FAILURE! I AM THE HUSBAND, I HAD TO DO SO!
I was perceptive enough to appreciate the fact that, the answers I was looking for, would never be found through apportioning of blame. I had to take full responsibility for the failure of my marriage, or else invite a time wasting circus of charismatic theologian opinion pollsters into our marriage! What could have happened to my marriage? The trauma of gossip! Too many commentators! Each of them deciding who was at fault, doing so at expense of my children's welfare and my wife's peace of mind.
When I saw the signs, I decide to nip it in the bud by breaking the code of secrecy surrounding our marriage.I realised that, marriage was more than a theological construct! It was a covenant! You can stay within the spirit of a covenant no matter the circumstances!What is my point? Well I would like to say that I identify with the rationale behind folks saying that, their marriage is their own business and they owe no one an explanation when they move or into the next relationship. I can identify with that, BUT I DO NOT AGREE WITH THAT! IT IS SIMPLY A THEOLOGICALLY LIBERAL EVASION OF REALITY!
On Saturday the 5th of August 2000, about 1000 individuals(Adults and children of both genders), sacrificed most of their day, at significant personal expense
in order to attend our wedding ceremony and reception. They participated
in a solemn occasion, witnessed the exchange of marriage vows, and ...into that union were born two wonderful children. The cute and handsome Jacques, and the very pretty, beautiful princess Sapphire, who turns 5 on Sunday. So this is my point. Whenever I came to the decison(I am not suggesting I have) that the 'efficacy' of the wedding vows I made had 'dwindled', I OWED ALL THOSE FOLK AN EXPLANATION! OTHERWISE, I SHOULD HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO THEM, THEY WERE WITNESS AN EVENT, WHICH WOULD ONLY LAST FOR A DECADE! Just making a point!
Most of those folk, would experience morew clarity, for their own sake and for the community's intergrity sake....if an element of transparency is involved. So for example,not trying to justify anything to them. But giving them the respect to open up and say, 'we blew it' or atleast, this is what went wrong!Not in any kind of detail, but then to take steps to ensure that the institution of marriage experiences the restoration of a degree of honor! SO THIS IS MY POINT! TO ALL OF YOU FB FRIENDS WHO WERE PRESENT DURING MY WEDDING, SOME OF YOUR PARTICIPATED IN VARIOUS WAYS. A LOT OF YOU MADE SIGNIFICANT SACRIFICES,FINANCIAL, RESOURCES, TIME, ETC.
I STILL TAKE THOSE VOWS YOU WITNESSED ME EXCHANGING SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH JUST LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN READING, I AM ON A JOURNEY TO ENSURE THAT I LEARN SOME VALUABLE LESSONS FROM EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENEDThis is what I DISAGREE WITH: It is the view that, what I do in my marriage and whether my marriage leads to separation, divorce or remarriage is no one's business but mine! To me that is a theologically liberal perspective I disagree with.THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYTHING I DO, IF I SHARE A CHRISTIAN FAITH:
Firstly, I am accountable to God in this life and the hereafter.Secondly, my actions have implications on others 'here on earth'.I understand that what I share is a matter of faith;for anyone whose view on such matters is accented towards a theologically liberal pos.,they may take issues with what they consider, my 'literal' approach to interpretation of the scriptures. IF YOU REMEMBER MY SERIES ON A THEOLOGICALLY LEGALISTIC POSITION, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND I AM NOT ADVOCATING 'A HARDLINE' POSITION.
So my main criticism of the more theologically liberal position is the scale of confusion IT PRODUCES. There have got to be boundaries that we hold ourselves accountable by. We are individuals, but we also belong somewhere....such as in a family, community, faith grounp, christian community,society as a whole. In the world in which we live, our actions have consequences on others, esp., vulnerable people children, elderly,the sick. I do not believe that an incident of separation or breakdown in marriage is preventable in all cases. Infact, I still think by a conspiracy of silence, by not providing support/resources for remarried couples, the
Christian churches are abdicating responsibility for strong marriages.
I am going to end this reflection till next time. Let me add this. I still think that in some cases the breakdown of a marriage, is beyond an individual's control. He or she may go through a period or phase of reflection, celibacy(which I feel provides an important interlude). Through healing, they find that they are in a position to start again. This is what happened to Joel Osteen's parents. He says his mum Doddie was that second wife of Dad, the late John Osteen. Our world is impacted by our actions. Not just true of 'global warming' ! There is stronger evidence for 'entire communities eventually melting' from the heat generated in many relationships.
(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson
!
Tuesday, 14 December 2010
Saturday, 11 December 2010
Friday, 10 December 2010
Friday, 3 December 2010
Thursday, 2 December 2010
Friday, 22 October 2010
Thursday, 21 October 2010
Monday, 18 October 2010
Sunday, 17 October 2010
Friday, 15 October 2010
Peter Saunders - Christian Medical Comment: The new healthcare professionals’ group seeking to...
Peter Saunders - Christian Medical Comment: The new healthcare professionals’ group seeking to...: "A new group of ‘health professionals has this week joined the growing number of ‘societies’ and ‘forums’ seeking legal permission for doctor..."
Thursday, 14 October 2010
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Forwarded by Vivian Asempapa:Turning Your Pain into Purpose(by Cindi McMenamin)
Hi "gals" and "boys",
I believe the follwing article which i find very useful will answer some of life's nagging questions.
Be enriched as you read it.
Vivian
Turning Your Pain into Purpose
Cindi McMenamin
Author, Women on the Edge
Is God withholding something from your life? If so, it could be that He is preparing you for ministry - a ministry that will turn the bitter areas of your life into a blessing.
That's how it worked with Nicole.
Nicole couldn't imagine her life being complete without a husband.
"All my life I've wanted a healthy partnership with a spouse who was also my best friend," Nicole says. "Even as a child, I dreamed of finding my 'Prince Charming' and building a life with him."
So Nicole went after what she wanted…and ended up regretting it.
"During college, I clung to the first guy who paid attention to me, even though I now recall the Lord calling me away from him."
At that time, Nicole didn't have a relationship with God and she continued to cling to an unhealthy relationship out of fear of being alone, even though she was being neglected and emotionally abused. After several years of dating, she became pregnant and she and her boyfriend married.
"This was a do-it-yourself project that failed miserably!" Nicole said. "When my daughter was 2, my husband admitted to having an affair and I was brought to my knees.
"I turned my life over to the Lord at that point and tried to be a godly wife, but he was openly opposed to my relationship with God and eventually left during our seventh year of marriage.
"While I will never regret having my beautiful daughter, I do regret not trusting God enough to walk away from this unhealthy relationship that cost me many years of pain, not to mention a lot of turmoil for our daughter. Looking back, I see why I can fully trust the Lord when He withholds something from us, even if we think it's what we want. I've learned the hard way that ‘Father knows best!'"
Nicole is in her mid-30s now and has been single for almost five years. She has gone through a spiritual recovery program, as well. But, she says, "The Lord continues to withhold dating relationships from me."
A couple years ago, Nicole decided it was time to no longer fight her circumstances but to see what God wanted to do in her life, in spite of them. Along with a widow and a divorced mom from her church, Nicole began a ministry called Single Parent Fellowship (SPF) at her church.
"Although I was initially hesitant about starting it, this ministry has blessed me beyond my dreams and we are now being led and ministered to by a family pastor at our church who has taken us under his wing."
The group meets weekly for prayer, parenting book discussions, Bible reading, and fellowship. They also plan activities together like movie outings, ice skating, camping, and trips to the mountains together. One Christmas the church bought and delivered Christmas trees to all the homes of those involved in the ministry. "We have all become extended family and I am happier now and less alone than I was when I was married!" Nicole says. "More importantly, the Lord has forever changed my heart for single parents. He is even using me now at my workplace to encourage other young, single moms in their journeys."
What caused Nicole to go from merely surviving to thriving as a single mom? What turned her desperation for fulfillment into a desire to serve others? She allowed God to meet her where she was. And by doing so, her desire for fulfillment developed into a desire to serve others. And there, she has found fulfillment!
What are you still waiting for God to bring about in your life? A husband? A baby? A career? The accomplishment of a dream? Could His area of withholding be your place of ministry as well?
Here are three principles to help you direct your desperation into a delightful end that will bless others and bring blessing into your life, as well:
1. Realize God Knows What He's Doing in Your Life
Although Nicole was disappointed to be divorced and desperately wanted another man in her life, she realized that she could continue to make mistakes and get into another bad relationship if she insisted on her way. So she chose to trust that God is in control, that He knows what He's doing in her life, and that His timing is far better than hers. God knows what He's doing in your life, too. It's all about trust.
2. Reflect on What God Has Already Given You
Nicole was able to see her blessing among the bitterness: a beautiful daughter that came out of a miserable marriage and a closer relationship with God that she hadn't known before. Focusing on those blessings, she moved forward as a single mom who was determined to make the best of it. What do you have right now that is a blessing in your life? Focus on that and ask God how He wants to use you right now with what you have.
3. Redirect Your Focus onto Others
Instead of continuing to dwell on the fact that she was lonely and lacking, Nicole chose to be a part of a ministry that ended up not only making a difference in others' lives, but hers as well. God has a way of blessing us when we choose to bless others. Look around at other women who may be longing for the same thing you are and ask God "How can I minister to women who are in similar circumstances?"
Are you a woman who is still desperately seeking something? Then, like Nicole, be a woman who desperately seeks God. As you take your desire for fulfillment and lay it at God's feet, He will give you a heart of gratitude for what you have and contentment in your circumstances. And He just may give you a ministry out of it, too.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and the author of several books including When Women Walk Alone and Women on the Edge, from which this article was excerpted. For more on Cindi's books, speaking ministry, and free resources, see www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.
1 | 2 | Next | All
I believe the follwing article which i find very useful will answer some of life's nagging questions.
Be enriched as you read it.
Vivian
Turning Your Pain into Purpose
Cindi McMenamin
Author, Women on the Edge
Is God withholding something from your life? If so, it could be that He is preparing you for ministry - a ministry that will turn the bitter areas of your life into a blessing.
That's how it worked with Nicole.
Nicole couldn't imagine her life being complete without a husband.
"All my life I've wanted a healthy partnership with a spouse who was also my best friend," Nicole says. "Even as a child, I dreamed of finding my 'Prince Charming' and building a life with him."
So Nicole went after what she wanted…and ended up regretting it.
"During college, I clung to the first guy who paid attention to me, even though I now recall the Lord calling me away from him."
At that time, Nicole didn't have a relationship with God and she continued to cling to an unhealthy relationship out of fear of being alone, even though she was being neglected and emotionally abused. After several years of dating, she became pregnant and she and her boyfriend married.
"This was a do-it-yourself project that failed miserably!" Nicole said. "When my daughter was 2, my husband admitted to having an affair and I was brought to my knees.
"I turned my life over to the Lord at that point and tried to be a godly wife, but he was openly opposed to my relationship with God and eventually left during our seventh year of marriage.
"While I will never regret having my beautiful daughter, I do regret not trusting God enough to walk away from this unhealthy relationship that cost me many years of pain, not to mention a lot of turmoil for our daughter. Looking back, I see why I can fully trust the Lord when He withholds something from us, even if we think it's what we want. I've learned the hard way that ‘Father knows best!'"
Nicole is in her mid-30s now and has been single for almost five years. She has gone through a spiritual recovery program, as well. But, she says, "The Lord continues to withhold dating relationships from me."
A couple years ago, Nicole decided it was time to no longer fight her circumstances but to see what God wanted to do in her life, in spite of them. Along with a widow and a divorced mom from her church, Nicole began a ministry called Single Parent Fellowship (SPF) at her church.
"Although I was initially hesitant about starting it, this ministry has blessed me beyond my dreams and we are now being led and ministered to by a family pastor at our church who has taken us under his wing."
The group meets weekly for prayer, parenting book discussions, Bible reading, and fellowship. They also plan activities together like movie outings, ice skating, camping, and trips to the mountains together. One Christmas the church bought and delivered Christmas trees to all the homes of those involved in the ministry. "We have all become extended family and I am happier now and less alone than I was when I was married!" Nicole says. "More importantly, the Lord has forever changed my heart for single parents. He is even using me now at my workplace to encourage other young, single moms in their journeys."
What caused Nicole to go from merely surviving to thriving as a single mom? What turned her desperation for fulfillment into a desire to serve others? She allowed God to meet her where she was. And by doing so, her desire for fulfillment developed into a desire to serve others. And there, she has found fulfillment!
What are you still waiting for God to bring about in your life? A husband? A baby? A career? The accomplishment of a dream? Could His area of withholding be your place of ministry as well?
Here are three principles to help you direct your desperation into a delightful end that will bless others and bring blessing into your life, as well:
1. Realize God Knows What He's Doing in Your Life
Although Nicole was disappointed to be divorced and desperately wanted another man in her life, she realized that she could continue to make mistakes and get into another bad relationship if she insisted on her way. So she chose to trust that God is in control, that He knows what He's doing in her life, and that His timing is far better than hers. God knows what He's doing in your life, too. It's all about trust.
2. Reflect on What God Has Already Given You
Nicole was able to see her blessing among the bitterness: a beautiful daughter that came out of a miserable marriage and a closer relationship with God that she hadn't known before. Focusing on those blessings, she moved forward as a single mom who was determined to make the best of it. What do you have right now that is a blessing in your life? Focus on that and ask God how He wants to use you right now with what you have.
3. Redirect Your Focus onto Others
Instead of continuing to dwell on the fact that she was lonely and lacking, Nicole chose to be a part of a ministry that ended up not only making a difference in others' lives, but hers as well. God has a way of blessing us when we choose to bless others. Look around at other women who may be longing for the same thing you are and ask God "How can I minister to women who are in similar circumstances?"
Are you a woman who is still desperately seeking something? Then, like Nicole, be a woman who desperately seeks God. As you take your desire for fulfillment and lay it at God's feet, He will give you a heart of gratitude for what you have and contentment in your circumstances. And He just may give you a ministry out of it, too.
Cindi McMenamin is a national speaker and the author of several books including When Women Walk Alone and Women on the Edge, from which this article was excerpted. For more on Cindi's books, speaking ministry, and free resources, see www.StrengthForTheSoul.com.
1 | 2 | Next | All
Monday, 11 October 2010
Saturday, 9 October 2010
Tuesday, 5 October 2010
Monday, 4 October 2010
Journey through painful emotions: Children of divorced and Separated couples(Pt 3)
Most children and adults rely on family and the home as a buffer zone. They discover in their home a literal environment that is both a refuge and security to withstand the pressures at school, work etc.
a) Try and Stay in the same neighbourhood or town for the children’s sake.
In my opinion a common mistake which a couple can make is to live so far apart that the children begin to feel the physical separation. This is my opinion too! unless there are very practical or logistical reasons why this cannot be arranged, separated or even divorced couples need to try and stay in the same neighbourhood. The reason being, they can continue cooperating for the sake of their children. If this is managed well, it can be a very creative approach for equipping our children in their challenge to face external pressure. Some couples may opt to be geographically separated from their recently separated or divorce spouse due a range of other considerations. Examples can include having a very possessive spouse, who keeps arriving unannounced at the doorstep to check on the other. The answer to this is not necessarily moving to another place geographically, but to enforce some background rules that both spouses would abide by.
b) The attitude of mum and dad towards each other.
IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY FOR COUPLES WHO ARE SEPARATED OR DIVORCED TO BEGIN A COLD WAR! TO INITIATE A SITUATION OF TENSION AND HOSTILITY! THAT IS UNHEALTHY, AND IF THIS IS THE CONDITION IN THE HOME, YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A FEW SURPRISES UNLESS IT CAN BE ACKNOWLEDGED!
c) Their response to third parties is equally important. Children look out and listen to observations being made by either spouse about the other (in his or her absence). The separation or divorce of parents can be a major assault on their very sense of emotional stability. Which means, they crave certainty now than ever? They yearn for reassurance that it is going to be alright…that things are going to be alright. as an indicator state of the union between mum and dad.
Dad must therefore, be careful to portray mum to his family positively and vice versa, even if they have separated or divorced. Be considerate and respectful when representing each other to a third party during conversation. In my own case when I have referred to my spouse, I have been told by others: You must be still in love with her. Why don’t you go back and get reconciled. My response is usually to invite them to continue praying!
d) Mum and Dad must not only practise the golden rule with each other, but also be charitable and generous towards each other.
We need to maintain the process of 'healing and reconciliation' whatever the outcome of the relationship! Now, I finished my evening meal prior to this. Guess who prepared the meal? My spouse of course! Are we under the same roof yet? No! Do I eat a lot of her cooking, Oh yes! I would be really silly not to! Brilliant cook she is! Exchanging items of food, gifts, money, celebrating birthdays and other occasions must be maintained as much as is practically possible. These are family tradition which may not mean a lot to adult men, but are important for the children especially. It is important to accommodate our spouse to the degree they are willing to participate in our lives. My wife has offered suggestions on my personal toiletries, my after shave, showel gel, body spray and the list goes on! This is a valuable contribution she makes because she cares!
NOW I WANT TO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT POINT! IT ISN'T COMPROMISE! SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS! SHE OFFERS AND I ACCEPT. YES, EVEN IF I WERE TO MAKE A REQUEST, IT MUST BE DONE BASED ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS ALRIGHT FOR HER TO DECLINE. NO COMPULSION! MUTUAL RESPECT! I believe I have made my points about a) Attitude to each other should be one of mutual respect, b) where third parties are involved, represent our spouses in a respectful manner to them.
IN CONCLUSION:
IT IS IMPORTANT FOR AN ELEMENT OF STABILITY TO BE MAINTAINED, SO THAT OUR CHILDREN CAN PROCESS FOR THEMSELVES (AND WITH OUR GUIDANCE) WHAT WENT WRONG.
It is their personal journey of discovery, and whereas we can walk with them and guide them through it, this remains their unique journey! Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we are to allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature, and experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!
It is necessary it remains so! If there is a mess, IT IS DAD AND MUM WHO REMAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MESS! IT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUNG TONY AND HIS YOUNGER SIBLING CLARA!
Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature and experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They... make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!
WHAT IS THIS DISCOVERY
It is the discovery that, Dad and Mum are not perfect! This may first come as a shock to them. But later on it becomes a most valuable insight into human frailty. They soon discover that, it is a relief to them, because they are not perfect either. This discovery could become a healthy way forward. Our child’s world needn’t crumble if Dad and Mum are unable to live up to a perfectionist ideal. .
DAD AND MUM ARE BASICALLY FLAWED HUMAN BEINGS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. CAN THEY BE A ROLE MODEL? YES, BUT MODEL IS A VERY TRANSPARENT REFLECTION OF GENUINENESS AND HONESTY. MUM AND DAD ARE MOST EFFECTIVE, WHEN THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH BEING REAL, EVEN VULNERABLE IN FRONT OF TONY AND CLARA! THAT IS THE BEST COURSE IN LIFE SKILLS TO HAVE.
John what are you saying? That divorce and separation are a good thing for children? NO BUDDY! WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT, DESPITE ALL THE VERY DEPRESSING STATISTICS ABOUT CHILDREN OF SEPARATED PARENTS' INABILITY TO COPE, A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF THEM COPE AND SOME EVEN BECOME PRESIDENTS!
AM I ADVOCATING DIVORCE AND SEPARATION? NOT AT ALL! I AM ONLY ASSERTING THAT, IF YOU ARE ALREADY IN SUCH A SITUATION, DON'T GIVE IN TO ANY FURTHER DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS ABOUT HOW YOUR KIDS ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT IN LIFE! INSTEAD, PICK YOURSELF UP AND IF PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE REMAIN IN A MUTUALLY CIVIL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER!
THEN BEGIN TO BUILD SUCH MUTUALLY RESPECTFUL AND CIVIL COMMUNICATION BRIDGES THAT WOULD ENABLE YOUR CHILDREN TO BE THE LIGHT WITHIN YOUR OWN TUNNEL! NOT AT THE E-N-D OF YOUR SO-CALLED 'DARK' TUNNEL! DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE DARK FOR SO LONG! EVEN IF THE FLASHLIGHT OF HOPE HAS BEEN KNOCKED OUT OF YOUR FEELINGS.BE OPTIMISTIC, IN ANTICPATING THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL SWITCH ON THEIR INDIVIDUAL LIGHTS OF INSIGHT!
a) Try and Stay in the same neighbourhood or town for the children’s sake.
In my opinion a common mistake which a couple can make is to live so far apart that the children begin to feel the physical separation. This is my opinion too! unless there are very practical or logistical reasons why this cannot be arranged, separated or even divorced couples need to try and stay in the same neighbourhood. The reason being, they can continue cooperating for the sake of their children. If this is managed well, it can be a very creative approach for equipping our children in their challenge to face external pressure. Some couples may opt to be geographically separated from their recently separated or divorce spouse due a range of other considerations. Examples can include having a very possessive spouse, who keeps arriving unannounced at the doorstep to check on the other. The answer to this is not necessarily moving to another place geographically, but to enforce some background rules that both spouses would abide by.
b) The attitude of mum and dad towards each other.
IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY FOR COUPLES WHO ARE SEPARATED OR DIVORCED TO BEGIN A COLD WAR! TO INITIATE A SITUATION OF TENSION AND HOSTILITY! THAT IS UNHEALTHY, AND IF THIS IS THE CONDITION IN THE HOME, YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A FEW SURPRISES UNLESS IT CAN BE ACKNOWLEDGED!
c) Their response to third parties is equally important. Children look out and listen to observations being made by either spouse about the other (in his or her absence). The separation or divorce of parents can be a major assault on their very sense of emotional stability. Which means, they crave certainty now than ever? They yearn for reassurance that it is going to be alright…that things are going to be alright. as an indicator state of the union between mum and dad.
Dad must therefore, be careful to portray mum to his family positively and vice versa, even if they have separated or divorced. Be considerate and respectful when representing each other to a third party during conversation. In my own case when I have referred to my spouse, I have been told by others: You must be still in love with her. Why don’t you go back and get reconciled. My response is usually to invite them to continue praying!
d) Mum and Dad must not only practise the golden rule with each other, but also be charitable and generous towards each other.
We need to maintain the process of 'healing and reconciliation' whatever the outcome of the relationship! Now, I finished my evening meal prior to this. Guess who prepared the meal? My spouse of course! Are we under the same roof yet? No! Do I eat a lot of her cooking, Oh yes! I would be really silly not to! Brilliant cook she is! Exchanging items of food, gifts, money, celebrating birthdays and other occasions must be maintained as much as is practically possible. These are family tradition which may not mean a lot to adult men, but are important for the children especially. It is important to accommodate our spouse to the degree they are willing to participate in our lives. My wife has offered suggestions on my personal toiletries, my after shave, showel gel, body spray and the list goes on! This is a valuable contribution she makes because she cares!
NOW I WANT TO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT POINT! IT ISN'T COMPROMISE! SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS! SHE OFFERS AND I ACCEPT. YES, EVEN IF I WERE TO MAKE A REQUEST, IT MUST BE DONE BASED ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS ALRIGHT FOR HER TO DECLINE. NO COMPULSION! MUTUAL RESPECT! I believe I have made my points about a) Attitude to each other should be one of mutual respect, b) where third parties are involved, represent our spouses in a respectful manner to them.
IN CONCLUSION:
IT IS IMPORTANT FOR AN ELEMENT OF STABILITY TO BE MAINTAINED, SO THAT OUR CHILDREN CAN PROCESS FOR THEMSELVES (AND WITH OUR GUIDANCE) WHAT WENT WRONG.
It is their personal journey of discovery, and whereas we can walk with them and guide them through it, this remains their unique journey! Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we are to allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature, and experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!
It is necessary it remains so! If there is a mess, IT IS DAD AND MUM WHO REMAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MESS! IT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUNG TONY AND HIS YOUNGER SIBLING CLARA!
Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature and experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They... make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!
WHAT IS THIS DISCOVERY
It is the discovery that, Dad and Mum are not perfect! This may first come as a shock to them. But later on it becomes a most valuable insight into human frailty. They soon discover that, it is a relief to them, because they are not perfect either. This discovery could become a healthy way forward. Our child’s world needn’t crumble if Dad and Mum are unable to live up to a perfectionist ideal. .
DAD AND MUM ARE BASICALLY FLAWED HUMAN BEINGS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. CAN THEY BE A ROLE MODEL? YES, BUT MODEL IS A VERY TRANSPARENT REFLECTION OF GENUINENESS AND HONESTY. MUM AND DAD ARE MOST EFFECTIVE, WHEN THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH BEING REAL, EVEN VULNERABLE IN FRONT OF TONY AND CLARA! THAT IS THE BEST COURSE IN LIFE SKILLS TO HAVE.
John what are you saying? That divorce and separation are a good thing for children? NO BUDDY! WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT, DESPITE ALL THE VERY DEPRESSING STATISTICS ABOUT CHILDREN OF SEPARATED PARENTS' INABILITY TO COPE, A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF THEM COPE AND SOME EVEN BECOME PRESIDENTS!
AM I ADVOCATING DIVORCE AND SEPARATION? NOT AT ALL! I AM ONLY ASSERTING THAT, IF YOU ARE ALREADY IN SUCH A SITUATION, DON'T GIVE IN TO ANY FURTHER DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS ABOUT HOW YOUR KIDS ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT IN LIFE! INSTEAD, PICK YOURSELF UP AND IF PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE REMAIN IN A MUTUALLY CIVIL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER!
THEN BEGIN TO BUILD SUCH MUTUALLY RESPECTFUL AND CIVIL COMMUNICATION BRIDGES THAT WOULD ENABLE YOUR CHILDREN TO BE THE LIGHT WITHIN YOUR OWN TUNNEL! NOT AT THE E-N-D OF YOUR SO-CALLED 'DARK' TUNNEL! DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE DARK FOR SO LONG! EVEN IF THE FLASHLIGHT OF HOPE HAS BEEN KNOCKED OUT OF YOUR FEELINGS.BE OPTIMISTIC, IN ANTICPATING THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL SWITCH ON THEIR INDIVIDUAL LIGHTS OF INSIGHT!
Sunday, 3 October 2010
Journey Through Painful Emotions: Children of Divorced and Separated Couples(Pt 2)
What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue! b) You want to help them manage the ‘difficult’ emotions which have the potential of ‘erupting’ into a ‘Volcano’ of self destructive behaviour. Such emotions if not properly managed or facilitated, could lead to the child or children becoming traumatised even years later. c) Thirdly, you want to help a child ‘grow’ as a person, distinct from their parents, without what they have experienced affecting the development of their personality. In a nutshell, you want to address the potential ‘baggage’ they may be carrying from the relationship of their parents.
Now let’s begin discussing each of the above three objectives.
a) Preventing the problem affecting their state of mind for a lifetime. Children need their ‘peace of mind’ in order to function as individuals. As they grow, they need to be able to address issues, solve problems, learn to cope with pressure and experience fulfilment in life. A child, who develops effective problem solving skills, grows to become an adult who is able to function independently by transferring those skills in his daily life. Adults have a lot more responsibilities in the family and in society. Preparation is so important before a transition into adulthood. The formative years of a human person, during childhood, is absolutely important for laying the necessary foundation into adulthood. So then, if a child can be free from painful distractions, by experiencing a secure family life, embrace parental love, that will really be helpful to them.
b) Managing difficult emotions that could erupt into self-destructive behaviour.
What do I mean by that? These are significant characteristics of a psychological process that leads to an emotional trauma in the child. This can result in a vicious cycle of inner turmoil in the child. If the child is unable to end this cycle by receiving help or support, the process of trying to work it all out by herself can sap their energy. It can affect their ability to freely interact socially, eventually affect the development of their personalities. Such children emerge from this experience of ‘scarred childhood emotions’ to ‘damaged adult personalities’!
c) Helping a child ‘grow’ as an independently functioning person, without being adversely affected by the breakdown of mum and dad’s relationship. This is no doubt an ideal, to be aspired to. My own view is that, however much the potential damage children are likely to suffer as a result of the breakdown of mum and dad’s relationship, being honest about the situation is best! Some have used such obvious difficulties as a pretense, for hanging on to a 'fractured' relationship at all costs! They have argued, for the children sake, that it is better to stay under the same roof...with mounting tension, angry exchanges.
Our children may not like it, when we are honest about the situation. However, they learn through our handling of difficult situations, that problems must be confronted and not simply wished away! If we refuse to admit to a problem, we are unlikely to address it. When we do not address our problems, we are modelling denial to them! One day, they will handle their own problems by denying the existence of such problems. They may even find theological excuses for inaction! Sadly, there are many ‘adult c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n’ today, who use such an approach to problem solving...
Developing Problem Solving Approaches in Children
A Virtue called Patience: Children often lack some of the advantages one experiences, in taking a long-term view of situations. The fact is that, as we grow we learn to apply our experiences to different problems or challenges. Some situations would yield to a different approach. The Adult (parent as in dad or mum) can lead the child in discovering this. So that the child can exercise the virtue called patience, in certain situations. As a result of becoming patient, he or she can develop a clearer assessment of the issue at stake and subsequently.
Creative ways of handling a child’s obsession with certain thoughts: A question that remains unexpressed is often reinforced by thoughts which require skilful processing. thoughts such as ‘it’s my fault that mum and dad are separated!’
Processing what went wrong with mum and dad, is just like digesting food. Without some assistance to address their unanswered queries, children rehearse such thoughts again and again in their mind. They have to eventually store such 'unprocessed' information in their memory, as one would try to retain food which isn't ...properly 'digested' in the digestive system.
In so doing they intend to make an effort to prevent the children from
suffering some of the above mentioned difficulties associated with
broken down homes! Well, if you have been following my series of reflections, then you probably know some of the perspectives I identify with! In other words, what my position is. I ...want to discuss it using my own experience.
Parents need to remain Civil towards each other: In my experience the attitude of mum and dad towards each other could sustain or undermine the efforts at enabling the children PROCESS their experience of what is happening to the family. If mum and dad can exchange views or information as two mutually respectful adults, the children are not going to be distracted from focusing on processing their experience effectively.
The Philosophical Outlook or belief system undergirding this discussion
Fundamentally, we are all broken people: broken and therefore constrained in our effectiveness at relating with others, broken in our ability to use the vast potential we have inside us, flawed and incoherent in our very outlook on our own existence. Our worldview is full of gaps we have inadequately tried to cover up with science fiction or philosophical dogma. We are essentially, broken ego-centric and flawed human beings not very certain about the purpose of our existence. Our education and socialisation may do a very good job at masking or disguising this trait, however fundamentally we are all flawed human beings. Our main hope lies in finding redemption ! This is the therapeutic model, which I will refer to frequently in this discussion.
Our children are born with two contrasting traits. On the one hand they possess this vast potential of talent, gifts, resources, and the inherent untapped know-how for developing them all. On the other hand they are born with inherent traits. They are born with a predisposition to repeat our flaws and become self-fulfilling in their character, to the prediction that, like father/mother like son/daughter!
Coupled with the above traits and potential challenges, our children are going to be exposed to an element of pressure from their external(outside their family) environment educational and social
Now let’s begin discussing each of the above three objectives.
a) Preventing the problem affecting their state of mind for a lifetime. Children need their ‘peace of mind’ in order to function as individuals. As they grow, they need to be able to address issues, solve problems, learn to cope with pressure and experience fulfilment in life. A child, who develops effective problem solving skills, grows to become an adult who is able to function independently by transferring those skills in his daily life. Adults have a lot more responsibilities in the family and in society. Preparation is so important before a transition into adulthood. The formative years of a human person, during childhood, is absolutely important for laying the necessary foundation into adulthood. So then, if a child can be free from painful distractions, by experiencing a secure family life, embrace parental love, that will really be helpful to them.
b) Managing difficult emotions that could erupt into self-destructive behaviour.
What do I mean by that? These are significant characteristics of a psychological process that leads to an emotional trauma in the child. This can result in a vicious cycle of inner turmoil in the child. If the child is unable to end this cycle by receiving help or support, the process of trying to work it all out by herself can sap their energy. It can affect their ability to freely interact socially, eventually affect the development of their personalities. Such children emerge from this experience of ‘scarred childhood emotions’ to ‘damaged adult personalities’!
c) Helping a child ‘grow’ as an independently functioning person, without being adversely affected by the breakdown of mum and dad’s relationship. This is no doubt an ideal, to be aspired to. My own view is that, however much the potential damage children are likely to suffer as a result of the breakdown of mum and dad’s relationship, being honest about the situation is best! Some have used such obvious difficulties as a pretense, for hanging on to a 'fractured' relationship at all costs! They have argued, for the children sake, that it is better to stay under the same roof...with mounting tension, angry exchanges.
Our children may not like it, when we are honest about the situation. However, they learn through our handling of difficult situations, that problems must be confronted and not simply wished away! If we refuse to admit to a problem, we are unlikely to address it. When we do not address our problems, we are modelling denial to them! One day, they will handle their own problems by denying the existence of such problems. They may even find theological excuses for inaction! Sadly, there are many ‘adult c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n’ today, who use such an approach to problem solving...
Developing Problem Solving Approaches in Children
A Virtue called Patience: Children often lack some of the advantages one experiences, in taking a long-term view of situations. The fact is that, as we grow we learn to apply our experiences to different problems or challenges. Some situations would yield to a different approach. The Adult (parent as in dad or mum) can lead the child in discovering this. So that the child can exercise the virtue called patience, in certain situations. As a result of becoming patient, he or she can develop a clearer assessment of the issue at stake and subsequently.
Creative ways of handling a child’s obsession with certain thoughts: A question that remains unexpressed is often reinforced by thoughts which require skilful processing. thoughts such as ‘it’s my fault that mum and dad are separated!’
Processing what went wrong with mum and dad, is just like digesting food. Without some assistance to address their unanswered queries, children rehearse such thoughts again and again in their mind. They have to eventually store such 'unprocessed' information in their memory, as one would try to retain food which isn't ...properly 'digested' in the digestive system.
In so doing they intend to make an effort to prevent the children from
suffering some of the above mentioned difficulties associated with
broken down homes! Well, if you have been following my series of reflections, then you probably know some of the perspectives I identify with! In other words, what my position is. I ...want to discuss it using my own experience.
Parents need to remain Civil towards each other: In my experience the attitude of mum and dad towards each other could sustain or undermine the efforts at enabling the children PROCESS their experience of what is happening to the family. If mum and dad can exchange views or information as two mutually respectful adults, the children are not going to be distracted from focusing on processing their experience effectively.
The Philosophical Outlook or belief system undergirding this discussion
Fundamentally, we are all broken people: broken and therefore constrained in our effectiveness at relating with others, broken in our ability to use the vast potential we have inside us, flawed and incoherent in our very outlook on our own existence. Our worldview is full of gaps we have inadequately tried to cover up with science fiction or philosophical dogma. We are essentially, broken ego-centric and flawed human beings not very certain about the purpose of our existence. Our education and socialisation may do a very good job at masking or disguising this trait, however fundamentally we are all flawed human beings. Our main hope lies in finding redemption ! This is the therapeutic model, which I will refer to frequently in this discussion.
Our children are born with two contrasting traits. On the one hand they possess this vast potential of talent, gifts, resources, and the inherent untapped know-how for developing them all. On the other hand they are born with inherent traits. They are born with a predisposition to repeat our flaws and become self-fulfilling in their character, to the prediction that, like father/mother like son/daughter!
Coupled with the above traits and potential challenges, our children are going to be exposed to an element of pressure from their external(outside their family) environment educational and social
Friday, 1 October 2010
Thursday, 30 September 2010
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Journey through painful emotions:Children of divorced and separated couples(Pt 1)
I have been doing a series of reflections, on some of the issues facing separated and divorced couples for weeks now. If you are new to my series of reflections, and interested, you have an opportunity to read previous reflections in my ‘eleventh hour teaching’ series. Now let’s name a few of the emotional challenges faced by our children.
Firstly, I will mention them and comment on some of the characteristic observation I have made of their impact on children. What do I mean by impact? Basically, I try to reflect on, the process of a child’s attempt/s to internalise and deal with how he or she may be feeling. That is, when affected by each individual challenge. After discussing what is going on inside a child’s mind, I reflect on more outward displays or expressions of what the child may have been internalising.
My observation is that, as adults, we are more likely to respond to a child’s expression than the impressions that trigger those expressions. This is my emphasis at this stage of my reflection: the ‘impressions’ and perceptions children have about particular situations trigger the ‘expressions’ we fuss about, respond to or even react to! An example can be an outward display of anger. I have discussed ‘Guilt’, ‘low self esteem’ ‘shame’, as a short list of challenges and commented on how they affect children.
Guilt is one of the main difficulties they face! The adult who is observant and wants to help a child needs to watch out for signs: It can be ‘veiled’ in the questions a child asks whilst wrestling with an issue as: ‘Why can’t mummy and daddy get along?’. In many cases, he or she is willing to ask mum or dad a few searching questions, before ‘slowing down’ to an eventful conclusion. However, in case Mummy or Daddy is too busy or perhaps not accommodating enough, to give a response, the conclusion sometimes drawn is this: ‘It must be my fault’! This may not be a logical one for an adult to arrive at, but then a child usually looks for answers which are overly simplistic. An answer within easy grasp! One that a young mind, can handle; Not too complex! Somehow, the child often arrives at the conclusion which seems the most logical one to them.
Low self esteem is often a secondary development to feelings of Guilt. It can develop from thought patterns emerging from a trend of thoughts, which includes ‘self loathing’ thought patterns in a child! Self loathing is when the child feels bad about themselves to a degree they begin to feel ‘there is something wrong with me!’ Belittling or criticism from others, especially adults, can contribute to low self esteem in children. The danger is that, sometimes children are likely to be more vulnerable, increasing the likelihood that such thought patterns can lead to additional complications.
Shame in children can result from an unpleasant experience, which can emerge from their sensitivity to and interaction with another person! It can be the result of how a child interprets specific aspects of another child or an adult’s behaviour or intention towards them. Children are quite ‘delicate’ and ‘fragile’ in nature, and because of this they are more vulnerable! What triggers shame in children? Shame can be triggered by children becoming aware of what they lack compared to other children. A child for example is ashamed because he has seen his friend’s mummy or daddy together. Perhaps, he observes this, during a visit to his friend’s home or whilst watching them sited together as a family in church. So he feels inferior to his friend and ashamed, due to the fact that his ‘mummy or daddy’ lives in separate homes. It is very important that as adults (parent and guardians) we become aware of the child’s perspective. We also need to try to understand this perspective in order to effectively explore such feelings through dialogue and discussions with the child.
An adult may miss a spouse they are separated from, and then dismiss it in a ‘fleeting thought’ of regret! However, the same situation can dominate a child’s mind for most of their life! The fact that a child stops raising an issue, or asking a question may not necessary mean it is resolved! Perhaps the child has observed that, the adult (parent or guardian) is not very comfortable talking about the issue. So he/she stops raising it.
Any of the above emotions can affect a child’s outlook on life in a negative way. When children experience a ‘Surge’ of negative emotions, triggered by anyone of the above factors, the potential exists for certain long-term difficulties in the evolvement of their personality. Note that, I am emphasizing the skill involved in facilitating a child to be effective in processing their experiences. This is why I use the term ‘evolvement in their personality’ and not ‘development’ of their personality. The latter involves guidance, the former direction. We might return to the themes of guidance and direction at a later stage of these series.
Sometimes the child exhibits some outward evidence of the problem: Firstly, they may exhibit ‘Anger’ whereby the child simply refuses to be reasoned with! An adult who has undergone a similar cycle of negative emotions as a child, may exhibit ‘Anger’ too! However, his or her bad temper may be triggered by issues that were unresolved during childhood. Secondly ‘Despair’ due to unfulfilled longings, whereby the child is inconsolable even with the prospect of hopeful promises.
What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue!(To be contd)
(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson
Firstly, I will mention them and comment on some of the characteristic observation I have made of their impact on children. What do I mean by impact? Basically, I try to reflect on, the process of a child’s attempt/s to internalise and deal with how he or she may be feeling. That is, when affected by each individual challenge. After discussing what is going on inside a child’s mind, I reflect on more outward displays or expressions of what the child may have been internalising.
My observation is that, as adults, we are more likely to respond to a child’s expression than the impressions that trigger those expressions. This is my emphasis at this stage of my reflection: the ‘impressions’ and perceptions children have about particular situations trigger the ‘expressions’ we fuss about, respond to or even react to! An example can be an outward display of anger. I have discussed ‘Guilt’, ‘low self esteem’ ‘shame’, as a short list of challenges and commented on how they affect children.
Guilt is one of the main difficulties they face! The adult who is observant and wants to help a child needs to watch out for signs: It can be ‘veiled’ in the questions a child asks whilst wrestling with an issue as: ‘Why can’t mummy and daddy get along?’. In many cases, he or she is willing to ask mum or dad a few searching questions, before ‘slowing down’ to an eventful conclusion. However, in case Mummy or Daddy is too busy or perhaps not accommodating enough, to give a response, the conclusion sometimes drawn is this: ‘It must be my fault’! This may not be a logical one for an adult to arrive at, but then a child usually looks for answers which are overly simplistic. An answer within easy grasp! One that a young mind, can handle; Not too complex! Somehow, the child often arrives at the conclusion which seems the most logical one to them.
Low self esteem is often a secondary development to feelings of Guilt. It can develop from thought patterns emerging from a trend of thoughts, which includes ‘self loathing’ thought patterns in a child! Self loathing is when the child feels bad about themselves to a degree they begin to feel ‘there is something wrong with me!’ Belittling or criticism from others, especially adults, can contribute to low self esteem in children. The danger is that, sometimes children are likely to be more vulnerable, increasing the likelihood that such thought patterns can lead to additional complications.
Shame in children can result from an unpleasant experience, which can emerge from their sensitivity to and interaction with another person! It can be the result of how a child interprets specific aspects of another child or an adult’s behaviour or intention towards them. Children are quite ‘delicate’ and ‘fragile’ in nature, and because of this they are more vulnerable! What triggers shame in children? Shame can be triggered by children becoming aware of what they lack compared to other children. A child for example is ashamed because he has seen his friend’s mummy or daddy together. Perhaps, he observes this, during a visit to his friend’s home or whilst watching them sited together as a family in church. So he feels inferior to his friend and ashamed, due to the fact that his ‘mummy or daddy’ lives in separate homes. It is very important that as adults (parent and guardians) we become aware of the child’s perspective. We also need to try to understand this perspective in order to effectively explore such feelings through dialogue and discussions with the child.
An adult may miss a spouse they are separated from, and then dismiss it in a ‘fleeting thought’ of regret! However, the same situation can dominate a child’s mind for most of their life! The fact that a child stops raising an issue, or asking a question may not necessary mean it is resolved! Perhaps the child has observed that, the adult (parent or guardian) is not very comfortable talking about the issue. So he/she stops raising it.
Any of the above emotions can affect a child’s outlook on life in a negative way. When children experience a ‘Surge’ of negative emotions, triggered by anyone of the above factors, the potential exists for certain long-term difficulties in the evolvement of their personality. Note that, I am emphasizing the skill involved in facilitating a child to be effective in processing their experiences. This is why I use the term ‘evolvement in their personality’ and not ‘development’ of their personality. The latter involves guidance, the former direction. We might return to the themes of guidance and direction at a later stage of these series.
Sometimes the child exhibits some outward evidence of the problem: Firstly, they may exhibit ‘Anger’ whereby the child simply refuses to be reasoned with! An adult who has undergone a similar cycle of negative emotions as a child, may exhibit ‘Anger’ too! However, his or her bad temper may be triggered by issues that were unresolved during childhood. Secondly ‘Despair’ due to unfulfilled longings, whereby the child is inconsolable even with the prospect of hopeful promises.
What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue!(To be contd)
(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Saturday, 25 September 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Friday, 17 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
A message forwarded by my brother Emmanuel Agbenyega
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Fw: Irish Blessing - I WANT THIS BACK!
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman... 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
It's National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND.
Pass this on, and brighten some one's day.
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: You had better send this back!! Good Luck!
I hope it works...
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your'e dead.
Subject: Fw: Irish Blessing - I WANT THIS BACK!
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman... 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
It's National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND.
Pass this on, and brighten some one's day.
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: You had better send this back!! Good Luck!
I hope it works...
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your'e dead.
Monday, 6 September 2010
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Issues affecting children of marriages that break up!(Part 3)
Contd from Part 2: I need to clarify my intentions for writing on this subject by stating that I AM NOT PREPARING FOR A PLANNED REMARRIAGE! I may be separated, but I have only been so, for about thirteen months! GOD FORBID THAT, SUCH A THING OCCURS! BUT EVEN IF MY WIFE AND I, 'GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS', THAT WOULDN'T END THE PURPOSE OF OUR UNION! Marriages can go through difficulties, or pass through the 'for worse'phase! That might mean either a mutually agreed or unilaterally initiated 'separation'. In some cases, SAD AND PAINFUL as this may be, such acts are 'legally' implemented. The 'D' word attempts to shatter the 'dream' union: Divorce!
Just like a number of folks in my situation, I AM NOT IN DENIAL OF THAT POSSIBILITY! However, in reflecting on such a 'worse case scenario' I have anticipated what my response would be. Based on my faith in Jesus Christ, His Holy Scriptures, my personal convictions after studying scriptural doctrine; the pattern Jesus Christ implemented as reported in the Gospel stories here is my response:
If I entered into a remarriage, BASED ON A WORSE CASE SCENARIO OF MY MARRIAGE ENDING UP IN DIVORCE,I am aware of the following difficulties:
a) First of all, I will be 'ejecting' in midflight, from the purpose of our union. I believe marriages have a purpose which continues even after this worse case scenario.
b)As traumatic as a Divorce could be, remarriage, resulting from my own effort to become rehabilitated from the scars of the relationship will usually lead to regret. This is due to the likelihood, that I would enter into another relationship with the 'burden' of my unhealed condition! IF I FEEL ADEQUATELY REHABILITATED OR HEALED, THEN THE FIRST TEST IS INITIATING RECONCILIATION, RESTORATION OF MY MARRIAGE! Obviously, under certain circumstances, this isn't possible.Which builds a more compelling case for celibacy, than for remarriage.
c)The issue of remaining celibate, in my situation has always been an option I have considered. In reading the Pauline epistle 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, the writer also strongly preaches the option of celibacy. The language he uses are mainly as if to highlight the principle that Celibacy and reconciliation to a spouse ought to be the options for consideration, instead of remarriage! I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE THAT, THIS IS AN OPTION WHICH DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. SO I DO NOT FEEL, IT IS FAIR FOR OTHERS TO USE MY EXPERIENCE AS A CASE FOR DIRECT PRACTICAL APPLICATION TO THEIR INDIVIDUAL SITUATION. PERSONALLY, I DO NOT HAVE ANY REMARRIAGE PROSPECTS OR OPTIONS.
ON THE DELICATE ISSUE OF MARRIAGE, JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF HIGHLIGHTS THE FACT THAT IT IS FOR THOSE TO WHOM THE SAYING IS GIVEN BY GOD.
THE MESSAGE VERSION TRANSLATION OF MATTHEW 19:12:
BUT JESUS SAID, ''NOT EVERYONE IS MATURE ENOUGH TO LIVE A MARRIED LIFE. IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN APTITUDE AND GRACE. MARRIAGE ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. SOME, FROM BIRTH SEEMINGLY, NEVER GIVE MARRIAGE A THOUGHT. OTHERS NEVER GET ASKED-OR ACCEPTED. AND SOME DECIDE NOT TO GET MARRIED FOR KINGDOM REASONS. BUT IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GROWING INTO THE LARGENESS OF MARRIAGE, DO IT.''
Question? What about those in a remarriage kind of situation? Are they condemned? No, not my view! I have identified that position in a previous reflection on my fb page as the theological legalist's position. In order to read what I have shared, you would need to go to my face book wall, to read the blog
'What God Has Put Together....' From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections.(Part 2) and
'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER' PART 3(From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections)
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 4
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Just like a number of folks in my situation, I AM NOT IN DENIAL OF THAT POSSIBILITY! However, in reflecting on such a 'worse case scenario' I have anticipated what my response would be. Based on my faith in Jesus Christ, His Holy Scriptures, my personal convictions after studying scriptural doctrine; the pattern Jesus Christ implemented as reported in the Gospel stories here is my response:
If I entered into a remarriage, BASED ON A WORSE CASE SCENARIO OF MY MARRIAGE ENDING UP IN DIVORCE,I am aware of the following difficulties:
a) First of all, I will be 'ejecting' in midflight, from the purpose of our union. I believe marriages have a purpose which continues even after this worse case scenario.
b)As traumatic as a Divorce could be, remarriage, resulting from my own effort to become rehabilitated from the scars of the relationship will usually lead to regret. This is due to the likelihood, that I would enter into another relationship with the 'burden' of my unhealed condition! IF I FEEL ADEQUATELY REHABILITATED OR HEALED, THEN THE FIRST TEST IS INITIATING RECONCILIATION, RESTORATION OF MY MARRIAGE! Obviously, under certain circumstances, this isn't possible.Which builds a more compelling case for celibacy, than for remarriage.
c)The issue of remaining celibate, in my situation has always been an option I have considered. In reading the Pauline epistle 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, the writer also strongly preaches the option of celibacy. The language he uses are mainly as if to highlight the principle that Celibacy and reconciliation to a spouse ought to be the options for consideration, instead of remarriage! I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE THAT, THIS IS AN OPTION WHICH DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. SO I DO NOT FEEL, IT IS FAIR FOR OTHERS TO USE MY EXPERIENCE AS A CASE FOR DIRECT PRACTICAL APPLICATION TO THEIR INDIVIDUAL SITUATION. PERSONALLY, I DO NOT HAVE ANY REMARRIAGE PROSPECTS OR OPTIONS.
ON THE DELICATE ISSUE OF MARRIAGE, JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF HIGHLIGHTS THE FACT THAT IT IS FOR THOSE TO WHOM THE SAYING IS GIVEN BY GOD.
THE MESSAGE VERSION TRANSLATION OF MATTHEW 19:12:
BUT JESUS SAID, ''NOT EVERYONE IS MATURE ENOUGH TO LIVE A MARRIED LIFE. IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN APTITUDE AND GRACE. MARRIAGE ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. SOME, FROM BIRTH SEEMINGLY, NEVER GIVE MARRIAGE A THOUGHT. OTHERS NEVER GET ASKED-OR ACCEPTED. AND SOME DECIDE NOT TO GET MARRIED FOR KINGDOM REASONS. BUT IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GROWING INTO THE LARGENESS OF MARRIAGE, DO IT.''
Question? What about those in a remarriage kind of situation? Are they condemned? No, not my view! I have identified that position in a previous reflection on my fb page as the theological legalist's position. In order to read what I have shared, you would need to go to my face book wall, to read the blog
'What God Has Put Together....' From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections.(Part 2) and
'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER' PART 3(From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections)
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 4
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Issues affecting children of marriages that break up!(Part 2)
Continued from Part 1: If mum and dad are no longer 'doing family' for each other's sake, whatever compromises they enter into is only a fraagile truce! It won't be of any lasting benefit to the children(unless purposefully done to uphold the element of the marriage covenant). It is at best a Civil Contract, on a simliar league as a loosely binding pact, either of them, could form with a third party. When a fragile truce breaks, the effects are worse , than if there hadn't been a truce in the first place!
John, what are you suggesting? That mum and dad not make any attempts to get along? I am not trying to undermine, any inclination towards preserving a consensus of civility between each other! However, I am suggesting that mum decides, 'unilaterally', that she is going to be an agent of peace and tranquility! That Dad decides, unilaterally, he would pursue peace! I am also saying that mum and dad resist any compromises , that fall short of the original intention of the relationship! That the two shall be one. I AM AWARE THAT STATEMENTS LIKE THE ONES I HAVE JUST MADE WOULD HAVE TO BE CLARIFIED! PLEASE CONTINUE READING TO OBTAIN A CLEARER PICTURE OF WHAT I AM TRYING TO DESCRIBE!
When the two, both mum and dad are determined to pursue peace towards others and not indulge in strife, a degree of tranquility and security will prevail! Inspite of the dysfunctional nature or the state of dysfunction within their relationship ! Hopefully, an indirect result of 'prayer generated change'can bring about a latent effect within their situation. Yes,positive results!It only takes one of them praying or others praying for them,for healing to be a)effected in them individually,and b)through each other. Question: How is this going to benefit their children?
Children of divorced or separated parents want more than compromises between mum and dad!Their ultimate desire, which is a good reflection of their need, is for the healing and restoration of their parent's relationship.PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE A DEGREE OF WHOLENESS CAN OCCUR,EVEN IF BOTH PARENTS END UP GOING THEIR SEPARATE WAYS! And sometimes, that is exactly what happens! Atleast this is the case in a growing number of real life scenarios. I admit, this is not the ideal! However, the non-ideal is becoming a growing occurrence. It cannot simply be ignored, it must be commented upon. It must be responded to! THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS FOR REFLECTIONS LIKE THIS ONE.
Just like I have pointed out above, in a growing number of cases,parents end up going their separate ways! This creates genuine theological and doctrinal issues, which may never be resolved within particular church denominations! However,families existed before denominations of churches! FAMILIES WOULD NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AS A UNIT, EVEN WHEN INDIVIDUALS IN THAT UNIT ARE WRITTEN OFF BY ONE THEOLOGICAL EMPHASIS OR THE OTHER!
In conclusion to part 2: I am determined in my reflections here, not to stall at individual doctrinal positions about marriage breakdown!As a result, I am adopting the position that,true healing, can be evident in a relationship, even if both parties are never Restored in their relationship as 'Husband and wife'! AND IF THEY END UP IN A REMARRIAGE SITUATION, ALTHOUGH THEIR REMARRIAGE TO ANOTHER PARTNER IS PREMEDITATED!
(CONTINUED IN PART 3)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
John, what are you suggesting? That mum and dad not make any attempts to get along? I am not trying to undermine, any inclination towards preserving a consensus of civility between each other! However, I am suggesting that mum decides, 'unilaterally', that she is going to be an agent of peace and tranquility! That Dad decides, unilaterally, he would pursue peace! I am also saying that mum and dad resist any compromises , that fall short of the original intention of the relationship! That the two shall be one. I AM AWARE THAT STATEMENTS LIKE THE ONES I HAVE JUST MADE WOULD HAVE TO BE CLARIFIED! PLEASE CONTINUE READING TO OBTAIN A CLEARER PICTURE OF WHAT I AM TRYING TO DESCRIBE!
When the two, both mum and dad are determined to pursue peace towards others and not indulge in strife, a degree of tranquility and security will prevail! Inspite of the dysfunctional nature or the state of dysfunction within their relationship ! Hopefully, an indirect result of 'prayer generated change'can bring about a latent effect within their situation. Yes,positive results!It only takes one of them praying or others praying for them,for healing to be a)effected in them individually,and b)through each other. Question: How is this going to benefit their children?
Children of divorced or separated parents want more than compromises between mum and dad!Their ultimate desire, which is a good reflection of their need, is for the healing and restoration of their parent's relationship.PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE A DEGREE OF WHOLENESS CAN OCCUR,EVEN IF BOTH PARENTS END UP GOING THEIR SEPARATE WAYS! And sometimes, that is exactly what happens! Atleast this is the case in a growing number of real life scenarios. I admit, this is not the ideal! However, the non-ideal is becoming a growing occurrence. It cannot simply be ignored, it must be commented upon. It must be responded to! THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS FOR REFLECTIONS LIKE THIS ONE.
Just like I have pointed out above, in a growing number of cases,parents end up going their separate ways! This creates genuine theological and doctrinal issues, which may never be resolved within particular church denominations! However,families existed before denominations of churches! FAMILIES WOULD NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AS A UNIT, EVEN WHEN INDIVIDUALS IN THAT UNIT ARE WRITTEN OFF BY ONE THEOLOGICAL EMPHASIS OR THE OTHER!
In conclusion to part 2: I am determined in my reflections here, not to stall at individual doctrinal positions about marriage breakdown!As a result, I am adopting the position that,true healing, can be evident in a relationship, even if both parties are never Restored in their relationship as 'Husband and wife'! AND IF THEY END UP IN A REMARRIAGE SITUATION, ALTHOUGH THEIR REMARRIAGE TO ANOTHER PARTNER IS PREMEDITATED!
(CONTINUED IN PART 3)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Issues affecting children of marriages that break up!(Part 1)
Sunday Evening is often a special and a wonderful time for the family!But for many children whose parents are either separated or divorced there are other needs as well! Bedtime is quite lonely! Going to bed, longing for both parents and not just one to be around is especially one area of longing.
Adults can easily escape into the diversion of work! Children usually, only have two kinds of outlets: one steming from negative emotions such as anger, resentment, distress and the other from more creative ones, which often result in fantasizing, daydreaming!
An adult may succeed well in blocking out, relational issues he or she faces!A CHILD HAS NO PLACE TO HIDE! His or her very world is being threatened when mum or dad cannot get along. He or she has no life experiences in helping determine possible outcomes!No way of applying through firsthand experience conventional insights,that interpreted highlight the age old wisdom: THIS ONE TOO WILL PASS!
The Adults who are caught in the Crossfire of a failed relationship are often aware of some degree of suffering that their beloved little darlings are undergoing. Naturally, they want to protect their loved ones. IT IS AT THIS STAGE THAT A LOT OF COMPROMISE IS STRUCK.
They agree to do certain things,'forthe sake of the children'. But this is where the biggest mistakes are made!Because the very rationale behind the reasoning is flawed! When two people who once loved each other, agree to get along, for the sake of a third party;even though in reference to their own children.They are rewriting the committment they once made to each other!(contd in Part 2)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Adults can easily escape into the diversion of work! Children usually, only have two kinds of outlets: one steming from negative emotions such as anger, resentment, distress and the other from more creative ones, which often result in fantasizing, daydreaming!
An adult may succeed well in blocking out, relational issues he or she faces!A CHILD HAS NO PLACE TO HIDE! His or her very world is being threatened when mum or dad cannot get along. He or she has no life experiences in helping determine possible outcomes!No way of applying through firsthand experience conventional insights,that interpreted highlight the age old wisdom: THIS ONE TOO WILL PASS!
The Adults who are caught in the Crossfire of a failed relationship are often aware of some degree of suffering that their beloved little darlings are undergoing. Naturally, they want to protect their loved ones. IT IS AT THIS STAGE THAT A LOT OF COMPROMISE IS STRUCK.
They agree to do certain things,'forthe sake of the children'. But this is where the biggest mistakes are made!Because the very rationale behind the reasoning is flawed! When two people who once loved each other, agree to get along, for the sake of a third party;even though in reference to their own children.They are rewriting the committment they once made to each other!(contd in Part 2)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Friday, 13 August 2010
'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER' PART 3(From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections)
I WILL CONTINUE USING THE SCENARIO OF AN INJURED MOTORIST, AT THE SCENE OF AN ACCIDENT FOR JUST A LITTLE LONGER!A legalistic takes the position that the casualty needs to be lectured on what he or she SHOULD HAVE DONE TO PREVENT THE ACCIDENT. Afterall, folks are getting by without getting themselves involved in such accidents. A lot of casualties, whose marriage has broken down undergo lecturing until the last bit of life or hope of reconciliation is drained out!
You get an even worse treatment if you have been involved in a divorce, because believing folks take the highroad of judgement! You are written off in most cases!'Until you are restored' , which is another way of saying 'you are finished!'
So we need the help of our therapist JC. JC instituted the marriage covenant declaring 'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER, LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER'. We already have an idea of a legalistic interpretation of these words. But I would like to give an example of how JC handled one of his own pronouncemnts. It is on the issue of Adultery. The seventh commandment. A woman caught in the very act of Adultery was brought to Jesus. The story is found in the eigth chapter of John's Gospel
John 8
May I add this dear Christian. If you are hurting from a failed relationship, a broken marriage, separated, just beware of anyone obsessed by statistics of failed marriages. GOD DOES NOT SEE YOU AS ANOTHER STATISTIC, INSTEAD HE SEES YOU AS ONE OF HIS WOUNDED SHEEP....IN NEED OF CRITICAL CARE! GOD IS NOT TRYING TO IMPROVE THE BRAND OF HIS CHURCH IN THE WORLD! HE IS TRYING TO HEAL THE INNER PAINS OF HIS CHILDREN
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
You get an even worse treatment if you have been involved in a divorce, because believing folks take the highroad of judgement! You are written off in most cases!'Until you are restored' , which is another way of saying 'you are finished!'
So we need the help of our therapist JC. JC instituted the marriage covenant declaring 'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER, LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER'. We already have an idea of a legalistic interpretation of these words. But I would like to give an example of how JC handled one of his own pronouncemnts. It is on the issue of Adultery. The seventh commandment. A woman caught in the very act of Adultery was brought to Jesus. The story is found in the eigth chapter of John's Gospel
John 8
John 8
1But Jesus went to the Mount of Olives. 2At dawn he appeared again in the temple courts, where all the people gathered around him, and he sat down to teach them. 3The teachers of the law and the Pharisees brought in a woman caught in adultery. They made her stand before the group 4and said to Jesus, "Teacher, this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5In the Law Moses commanded us to stone such women. Now what do you say?" 6They were using this question as a trap, in order to have a basis for accusing him.
But Jesus bent down and started to write on the ground with his finger. 7When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." 8Again he stooped down and wrote on the ground.
9At this, those who heard began to go away one at a time, the older ones first, until only Jesus was left, with the woman still standing there. 10Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they? Has no one condemned you?"
11"No one, sir," she said.
"Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared. "Go now and leave your life of sin."
My comment: Clearly, JC did not contradict the Torah(the Laws of Moses). However His interpretation was very clear. JUDGEMENT IS GOD'S JURISDICTION. IT SHOULD ONLY BE ENFORCED BY A FELLOW HUMAN BEING WHO HAS ALREADY ATTAINED THE LEVEL OF SINLESS PERFECTION THAT GOD REQUIRED. THE TRUTH THEN WAS , ONLY JC COULD CLAIM THAT LEVEL OF SINLESS PERFECTION. NONE OF THE LEGALISTS IN JC'S EARTHLY ERA HAD ATTAINED SINLESS PERFECTION. I AM YET TO HEAR OF A BELIEVER IN OUR ERA WHO WOULD ADMIT TO HAVING ATTAINED THE SAME LEVEL OF SINLESS PERFECTION. IF NO ONE WAS CONSIDERED 'MORALLY QUALIFIED' TO CONDEMN AN ADULTERER WHEN JESUS WALKED THE SEA SHORES OF GALILEE YEARS AGO, WHY ARE FOLKS GETTING DELUDED THAT BECAUSE THEY HAVE BEEN MARRIED FOR A BIT LONGER THAN SOMEONE WHOSE MARRIAGE HAS FAILED, THEY HAVE SUDDENLY BEEN AWARDED THE DIVINE JURISDICTION TO JUDGE AND CONDEMN A WOUNDED COUPLE!
What was JC's approach. He advocated loving our hurting neighbour as a 'good samaritan' would do! Who is a good samaritan? Someone who has every excuse for neglecting the wounded. Because these particular casualty is not part of their 'preferred group' . But instead, the good samaritan sees beyond skin colour, denominational lines, ethnic differences, risk to himself and his reputation, endangers himself Just to help. In contrast, the levitical legalist is in a hurry to DO GOD'S WORK AND COULD NOT AFFORD TO SPARE THE MOMENT IN HELPING HIS FELLOW JEWISH BELIEVER(IN THAT PARTICULAR INCIDENT). Doesn't this sound familiar? Folks that is why I am writing this. Are you hurting? Recognise the support when it is God sent, because it may not always come through the doors of your local church community.May I add this dear Christian. If you are hurting from a failed relationship, a broken marriage, separated, just beware of anyone obsessed by statistics of failed marriages. GOD DOES NOT SEE YOU AS ANOTHER STATISTIC, INSTEAD HE SEES YOU AS ONE OF HIS WOUNDED SHEEP....IN NEED OF CRITICAL CARE! GOD IS NOT TRYING TO IMPROVE THE BRAND OF HIS CHURCH IN THE WORLD! HE IS TRYING TO HEAL THE INNER PAINS OF HIS CHILDREN
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Thursday, 12 August 2010
'What God Has Put Together....' From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections.(Part 2)
A legalistic position is like this: It insists on lecturing a motor accident injury casualty on driving skills! Does it make sense? No! Why? Bad timing? Because the casualty needs basic first aid, prompt emergency treatment....Person may be in a critical state!
Well, if it doesn't make sense to an accident injured casualty, it shouldn't be the approach used in dealing with a range of situations involving Christian living. Yet, it is the preferred approach used within the so-called community of believers, when a brother or sister stumbles or falls. Today, I am highlighting this element in how separated/divorced christian couples are handled by other believers. One illustration of a legalistic position : Brother A and Sister A1 are married for years. They separate in the first 7 years. The community of believers, closely associated with their particular Christian denomination, hears about their situation. Immediately, a lot of pressure is piled on them with well intentioned scriptural admonitions such as 'GOD HATES DIVORCE' , 'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER, LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER', and as if this is not enough they are also made aware scriptures such as ' HE WHO DIVORCES HIS WIFE/HUSBAND EXCEPT ON GROUNDS OF SEXUAL IMMORALITY AND REMARRIES COMMITS ADULTERY ETC'. Incidentally, that is the main focus of the admonishing received by folks who are on the firing line! My conviction is that, simply hurling such scriptural admonition at folks who are experiencing a troubled relationship is equivalent to 'lecturing a wounded motorist' about traffic lessons or driving skills'
Why? Just like the casualty, a wounded motorist needs prompt medical attention, folks who are separated or divorced are experiencing the trauma of an emotional or spiritual wound. If simply lecturing a wounded motorist on how to avoid the mistakes which led to the accidents isn't going to heal them, neither should we use such an approach when dealing with wounded or separated folks.
Our priority first of all must be to find them Nurturing, loving care, the kind we give a sick patient. What do we do to an injured motorist. We provide first aid, when their condition is stable, then the paramedics transport them as an emergency to the hospital, for skilled 24 hour care! It is only when they are out of the 'critical state' and stable that they are either transferred for gradual recovery or discharged home in minor cases. NOW, IF THE MEDICAL WORLD HAS THAT LEVEL OF NATURAL DECENCY OR COMMON SENSE, WHY DO SO CALLED BELIEVERS INSIST ON SHOOTING AND FATALLY WOUNDING FOLKS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCE 'MARITAL ACCIDENTS'?
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Well, if it doesn't make sense to an accident injured casualty, it shouldn't be the approach used in dealing with a range of situations involving Christian living. Yet, it is the preferred approach used within the so-called community of believers, when a brother or sister stumbles or falls. Today, I am highlighting this element in how separated/divorced christian couples are handled by other believers. One illustration of a legalistic position : Brother A and Sister A1 are married for years. They separate in the first 7 years. The community of believers, closely associated with their particular Christian denomination, hears about their situation. Immediately, a lot of pressure is piled on them with well intentioned scriptural admonitions such as 'GOD HATES DIVORCE' , 'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER, LET NO MAN PUT ASUNDER', and as if this is not enough they are also made aware scriptures such as ' HE WHO DIVORCES HIS WIFE/HUSBAND EXCEPT ON GROUNDS OF SEXUAL IMMORALITY AND REMARRIES COMMITS ADULTERY ETC'. Incidentally, that is the main focus of the admonishing received by folks who are on the firing line! My conviction is that, simply hurling such scriptural admonition at folks who are experiencing a troubled relationship is equivalent to 'lecturing a wounded motorist' about traffic lessons or driving skills'
Why? Just like the casualty, a wounded motorist needs prompt medical attention, folks who are separated or divorced are experiencing the trauma of an emotional or spiritual wound. If simply lecturing a wounded motorist on how to avoid the mistakes which led to the accidents isn't going to heal them, neither should we use such an approach when dealing with wounded or separated folks.
Our priority first of all must be to find them Nurturing, loving care, the kind we give a sick patient. What do we do to an injured motorist. We provide first aid, when their condition is stable, then the paramedics transport them as an emergency to the hospital, for skilled 24 hour care! It is only when they are out of the 'critical state' and stable that they are either transferred for gradual recovery or discharged home in minor cases. NOW, IF THE MEDICAL WORLD HAS THAT LEVEL OF NATURAL DECENCY OR COMMON SENSE, WHY DO SO CALLED BELIEVERS INSIST ON SHOOTING AND FATALLY WOUNDING FOLKS WHO HAVE EXPERIENCE 'MARITAL ACCIDENTS'?
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
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Look-Up Newsletter Issue 1 Vol 7
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