A Day After We First became Separated(Part 1)

One of the toughest things I have had to do in the early days of our separation, was to ask for spiritual help and support! I remember when this happened, during a Tuesday prayer meeting in church. It seems on this particular evening, some of the ladies(Ghanaian) who considered themselves my wife's friends were present. I was surprised, because many of them did not often attend, as they had young children. Our church, just like a good number of Elim Pentecostal Churches in London, is multiracial.

So that evening, was featured by an interesting mixture of responses. The Pastor and his wife looked stunned, as if I had just dropped a bombshell!(I am exaggerating a bit). But I felt both vulnerable and relieved. That was more than a year ago, I am still attending church, still feeling vulnerable. Many awkward moments but still going on! I have learnt a lot about myself through the experience of separation. I have learnt to face certain truths about myself.Through this journey, what I have been describing as a therapeutic model
began to evolve.

I had to admit to myself that, the pain and heartache of separation can disguise some hidden treasure. I am learning to appreciate life more, myself more, my feelings more, my quiet moments more, my family more, my life more, my children more, my... wife more.I have discovered that doing the most basic things for them gives me more pleasure now than it used to. One of the very first things I also did, was to get on my knees before God, and admit my failure! The basis was that, I had made a vow to stay in a relationship for life.But I had played a part in things deteriorating. The issue was not whose fault it was. THAT WAS A QUESTION THAT COULD ONLY BE ANSWERED IF SOMEONE TOOK RESPONSIBILITY FOR FAILURE! I AM THE HUSBAND, I HAD TO DO SO!

I was perceptive enough to appreciate the fact that, the answers I was looking for, would never be found through apportioning of blame. I had to take full responsibility for the failure of my marriage, or else invite a time wasting circus of charismatic theologian opinion pollsters into our marriage! What could have happened to my marriage? The trauma of gossip! Too many commentators! Each of them deciding who was at fault, doing so at expense of my children's welfare and my wife's peace of mind.

When I saw the signs, I decide to nip it in the bud by breaking the code of secrecy surrounding our marriage.I realised that, marriage was more than a theological construct! It was a covenant! You can stay within the spirit of a covenant no matter the circumstances!What is my point? Well I would like to say that I identify with the rationale behind folks saying that, their marriage is their own business and they owe no one an explanation when they move or into the next relationship. I can identify with that, BUT I DO NOT AGREE WITH THAT! IT IS SIMPLY A THEOLOGICALLY LIBERAL EVASION OF REALITY!

On Saturday the 5th of August 2000, about 1000 individuals(Adults and children of both genders), sacrificed most of their day, at significant personal expense
in order to attend our wedding ceremony and reception. They participated
in a solemn occasion, witnessed the exchange of marriage vows, and ...into that union were born two wonderful children. The cute and handsome Jacques, and the very pretty, beautiful princess Sapphire, who turns 5 on Sunday. So this is my point. Whenever I came to the decison(I am not suggesting I have) that the 'efficacy' of the wedding vows I made had 'dwindled', I OWED ALL THOSE FOLK AN EXPLANATION! OTHERWISE, I SHOULD HAVE MADE IT CLEAR TO THEM, THEY WERE WITNESS AN EVENT, WHICH WOULD ONLY LAST FOR A DECADE! Just making a point!

Most of those folk, would experience morew clarity, for their own sake and for the community's intergrity sake....if an element of transparency is involved. So for example,not trying to justify anything to them. But giving them the respect to open up and say, 'we blew it' or atleast, this is what went wrong!Not in any kind of detail, but then to take steps to ensure that the institution of marriage experiences the restoration of a degree of honor! SO THIS IS MY POINT! TO ALL OF YOU FB FRIENDS WHO WERE PRESENT DURING MY WEDDING, SOME OF YOUR PARTICIPATED IN VARIOUS WAYS. A LOT OF YOU MADE SIGNIFICANT SACRIFICES,FINANCIAL, RESOURCES, TIME, ETC.

I STILL TAKE THOSE VOWS YOU WITNESSED ME EXCHANGING SERIOUSLY. ALTHOUGH JUST LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN READING, I AM ON A JOURNEY TO ENSURE THAT I LEARN SOME VALUABLE LESSONS FROM EVERYTHING THAT HAS HAPPENEDThis is what I DISAGREE WITH: It is the view that, what I do in my marriage and whether my marriage leads to separation, divorce or remarriage is no one's business but mine! To me that is a theologically liberal perspective I disagree with.THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES FOR EVERYTHING I DO, IF I SHARE A CHRISTIAN FAITH:

Firstly, I am accountable to God in this life and the hereafter.Secondly, my actions have implications on others 'here on earth'.I understand that what I share is a matter of faith;for anyone whose view on such matters is accented towards a theologically liberal pos.,they may take issues with what they consider, my 'literal' approach to interpretation of the scriptures. IF YOU REMEMBER MY SERIES ON A THEOLOGICALLY LEGALISTIC POSITION, YOU CAN UNDERSTAND I AM NOT ADVOCATING 'A HARDLINE' POSITION.

So my main criticism of the more theologically liberal position is the scale of confusion IT PRODUCES. There have got to be boundaries that we hold ourselves accountable by. We are individuals, but we also belong somewhere....such as in a family, community, faith grounp, christian community,society as a whole. In the world in which we live, our actions have consequences on others, esp., vulnerable people children, elderly,the sick. I do not believe that an incident of separation or breakdown in marriage is preventable in all cases. Infact, I still think by a conspiracy of silence, by not providing support/resources for remarried couples, the
Christian churches are abdicating responsibility for strong marriages.

I am going to end this reflection till next time. Let me add this. I still think that in some cases the breakdown of a marriage, is beyond an individual's control. He or she may go through a period or phase of reflection, celibacy(which I feel provides an important interlude). Through healing, they find that they are in a position to start again. This is what happened to Joel Osteen's parents. He says his mum Doddie was that second wife of Dad, the late John Osteen. Our world is impacted by our actions. Not just true of 'global warming' ! There is stronger evidence for 'entire communities eventually melting' from the heat generated in many relationships.

(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson









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