Journey through painful emotions: Children of divorced and Separated couples(Pt 3)

Most children and adults rely on family and the home as a buffer zone. They discover in their home a literal environment that is both a refuge and security to withstand the pressures at school, work etc.

a) Try and Stay in the same neighbourhood or town for the children’s sake.
In my opinion a common mistake which a couple can make is to live so far apart that the children begin to feel the physical separation. This is my opinion too! unless there are very practical or logistical reasons why this cannot be arranged, separated or even divorced couples need to try and stay in the same neighbourhood. The reason being, they can continue cooperating for the sake of their children. If this is managed well, it can be a very creative approach for equipping our children in their challenge to face external pressure. Some couples may opt to be geographically separated from their recently separated or divorce spouse due a range of other considerations. Examples can include having a very possessive spouse, who keeps arriving unannounced at the doorstep to check on the other. The answer to this is not necessarily moving to another place geographically, but to enforce some background rules that both spouses would abide by.

b) The attitude of mum and dad towards each other.

IT IS ABSOLUTELY UNNECESSARY FOR COUPLES WHO ARE SEPARATED OR DIVORCED TO BEGIN A COLD WAR! TO INITIATE A SITUATION OF TENSION AND HOSTILITY! THAT IS UNHEALTHY, AND IF THIS IS THE CONDITION IN THE HOME, YOU ARE ON YOUR WAY TO A FEW SURPRISES UNLESS IT CAN BE ACKNOWLEDGED!


c) Their response to third parties is equally important. Children look out and listen to observations being made by either spouse about the other (in his or her absence). The separation or divorce of parents can be a major assault on their very sense of emotional stability. Which means, they crave certainty now than ever? They yearn for reassurance that it is going to be alright…that things are going to be alright. as an indicator state of the union between mum and dad.

Dad must therefore, be careful to portray mum to his family positively and vice versa, even if they have separated or divorced. Be considerate and respectful when representing each other to a third party during conversation. In my own case when I have referred to my spouse, I have been told by others: You must be still in love with her. Why don’t you go back and get reconciled. My response is usually to invite them to continue praying!

d) Mum and Dad must not only practise the golden rule with each other, but also be charitable and generous towards each other.
We need to maintain the process of 'healing and reconciliation' whatever the outcome of the relationship! Now, I finished my evening meal prior to this. Guess who prepared the meal? My spouse of course! Are we under the same roof yet? No! Do I eat a lot of her cooking, Oh yes! I would be really silly not to! Brilliant cook she is! Exchanging items of food, gifts, money, celebrating birthdays and other occasions must be maintained as much as is practically possible. These are family tradition which may not mean a lot to adult men, but are important for the children especially. It is important to accommodate our spouse to the degree they are willing to participate in our lives. My wife has offered suggestions on my personal toiletries, my after shave, showel gel, body spray and the list goes on! This is a valuable contribution she makes because she cares!

NOW I WANT TO MAKE A VERY IMPORTANT POINT! IT ISN'T COMPROMISE! SHE DOESN'T HAVE TO DO THIS! SHE OFFERS AND I ACCEPT. YES, EVEN IF I WERE TO MAKE A REQUEST, IT MUST BE DONE BASED ON THE UNDERSTANDING THAT IT IS ALRIGHT FOR HER TO DECLINE. NO COMPULSION! MUTUAL RESPECT! I believe I have made my points about a) Attitude to each other should be one of mutual respect, b) where third parties are involved, represent our spouses in a respectful manner to them.


IN CONCLUSION:

IT IS IMPORTANT FOR AN ELEMENT OF STABILITY TO BE MAINTAINED, SO THAT OUR CHILDREN CAN PROCESS FOR THEMSELVES (AND WITH OUR GUIDANCE) WHAT WENT WRONG.



It is their personal journey of discovery, and whereas we can walk with them and guide them through it, this remains their unique journey! Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we are to allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature, and experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!

It is necessary it remains so! If there is a mess, IT IS DAD AND MUM WHO REMAIN RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MESS! IT IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUNG TONY AND HIS YOUNGER SIBLING CLARA!

Now the temptation to control the process by propaganda is very difficult to resist! Because, if we allow them to arrive at their own conclusions, they mature and experience personal growth! The traumatic experience that could have been a reason for lifelong stunted growth, finds an outlet through expression. They... make one of the most significant discoveries early in life!

WHAT IS THIS DISCOVERY

It is the discovery that, Dad and Mum are not perfect! This may first come as a shock to them. But later on it becomes a most valuable insight into human frailty. They soon discover that, it is a relief to them, because they are not perfect either. This discovery could become a healthy way forward. Our child’s world needn’t crumble if Dad and Mum are unable to live up to a perfectionist ideal. .

DAD AND MUM ARE BASICALLY FLAWED HUMAN BEINGS LIKE EVERYONE ELSE. CAN THEY BE A ROLE MODEL? YES, BUT MODEL IS A VERY TRANSPARENT REFLECTION OF GENUINENESS AND HONESTY. MUM AND DAD ARE MOST EFFECTIVE, WHEN THEY ARE COMFORTABLE WITH BEING REAL, EVEN VULNERABLE IN FRONT OF TONY AND CLARA! THAT IS THE BEST COURSE IN LIFE SKILLS TO HAVE.

John what are you saying? That divorce and separation are a good thing for children? NO BUDDY! WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT, DESPITE ALL THE VERY DEPRESSING STATISTICS ABOUT CHILDREN OF SEPARATED PARENTS' INABILITY TO COPE, A SIGNIFICANT NUMBER OF THEM COPE AND SOME EVEN BECOME PRESIDENTS!

AM I ADVOCATING DIVORCE AND SEPARATION? NOT AT ALL! I AM ONLY ASSERTING THAT, IF YOU ARE ALREADY IN SUCH A SITUATION, DON'T GIVE IN TO ANY FURTHER DOOMSDAY SCENARIOS ABOUT HOW YOUR KIDS ARE NOT GOING TO MAKE IT IN LIFE! INSTEAD, PICK YOURSELF UP AND IF PRACTICALLY POSSIBLE REMAIN IN A MUTUALLY CIVIL RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR SPOUSE OR PARTNER!

THEN BEGIN TO BUILD SUCH MUTUALLY RESPECTFUL AND CIVIL COMMUNICATION BRIDGES THAT WOULD ENABLE YOUR CHILDREN TO BE THE LIGHT WITHIN YOUR OWN TUNNEL! NOT AT THE E-N-D OF YOUR SO-CALLED 'DARK' TUNNEL! DON'T EXPECT IT TO BE DARK FOR SO LONG! EVEN IF THE FLASHLIGHT OF HOPE HAS BEEN KNOCKED OUT OF YOUR FEELINGS.BE OPTIMISTIC, IN ANTICPATING THAT YOUR CHILDREN WILL SWITCH ON THEIR INDIVIDUAL LIGHTS OF INSIGHT!