Journey Through Painful Emotions: Children of Divorced and Separated Couples(Pt 2)

What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue! b) You want to help them manage the ‘difficult’ emotions which have the potential of ‘erupting’ into a ‘Volcano’ of self destructive behaviour. Such emotions if not properly managed or facilitated, could lead to the child or children becoming traumatised even years later. c) Thirdly, you want to help a child ‘grow’ as a person, distinct from their parents, without what they have experienced affecting the development of their personality. In a nutshell, you want to address the potential ‘baggage’ they may be carrying from the relationship of their parents.

Now let’s begin discussing each of the above three objectives.

a) Preventing the problem affecting their state of mind for a lifetime. Children need their ‘peace of mind’ in order to function as individuals. As they grow, they need to be able to address issues, solve problems, learn to cope with pressure and experience fulfilment in life. A child, who develops effective problem solving skills, grows to become an adult who is able to function independently by transferring those skills in his daily life. Adults have a lot more responsibilities in the family and in society. Preparation is so important before a transition into adulthood. The formative years of a human person, during childhood, is absolutely important for laying the necessary foundation into adulthood. So then, if a child can be free from painful distractions, by experiencing a secure family life, embrace parental love, that will really be helpful to them.
b) Managing difficult emotions that could erupt into self-destructive behaviour.
What do I mean by that? These are significant characteristics of a psychological process that leads to an emotional trauma in the child. This can result in a vicious cycle of inner turmoil in the child. If the child is unable to end this cycle by receiving help or support, the process of trying to work it all out by herself can sap their energy. It can affect their ability to freely interact socially, eventually affect the development of their personalities. Such children emerge from this experience of ‘scarred childhood emotions’ to ‘damaged adult personalities’!

c) Helping a child ‘grow’ as an independently functioning person, without being adversely affected by the breakdown of mum and dad’s relationship. This is no doubt an ideal, to be aspired to. My own view is that, however much the potential damage children are likely to suffer as a result of the breakdown of mum and dad’s relationship, being honest about the situation is best! Some have used such obvious difficulties as a pretense, for hanging on to a 'fractured' relationship at all costs! They have argued, for the children sake, that it is better to stay under the same roof...with mounting tension, angry exchanges.

Our children may not like it, when we are honest about the situation. However, they learn through our handling of difficult situations, that problems must be confronted and not simply wished away! If we refuse to admit to a problem, we are unlikely to address it. When we do not address our problems, we are modelling denial to them! One day, they will handle their own problems by denying the existence of such problems. They may even find theological excuses for inaction! Sadly, there are many ‘adult c-h-i-l-d-r-e-n’ today, who use such an approach to problem solving...


Developing Problem Solving Approaches in Children

A Virtue called Patience: Children often lack some of the advantages one experiences, in taking a long-term view of situations. The fact is that, as we grow we learn to apply our experiences to different problems or challenges. Some situations would yield to a different approach. The Adult (parent as in dad or mum) can lead the child in discovering this. So that the child can exercise the virtue called patience, in certain situations. As a result of becoming patient, he or she can develop a clearer assessment of the issue at stake and subsequently.

Creative ways of handling a child’s obsession with certain thoughts: A question that remains unexpressed is often reinforced by thoughts which require skilful processing. thoughts such as ‘it’s my fault that mum and dad are separated!’
Processing what went wrong with mum and dad, is just like digesting food. Without some assistance to address their unanswered queries, children rehearse such thoughts again and again in their mind. They have to eventually store such 'unprocessed' information in their memory, as one would try to retain food which isn't ...properly 'digested' in the digestive system.

In so doing they intend to make an effort to prevent the children from
suffering some of the above mentioned difficulties associated with
broken down homes! Well, if you have been following my series of reflections, then you probably know some of the perspectives I identify with! In other words, what my position is. I ...want to discuss it using my own experience.

Parents need to remain Civil towards each other: In my experience the attitude of mum and dad towards each other could sustain or undermine the efforts at enabling the children PROCESS their experience of what is happening to the family. If mum and dad can exchange views or information as two mutually respectful adults, the children are not going to be distracted from focusing on processing their experience effectively.

The Philosophical Outlook or belief system undergirding this discussion

Fundamentally, we are all broken people: broken and therefore constrained in our effectiveness at relating with others, broken in our ability to use the vast potential we have inside us, flawed and incoherent in our very outlook on our own existence. Our worldview is full of gaps we have inadequately tried to cover up with science fiction or philosophical dogma. We are essentially, broken ego-centric and flawed human beings not very certain about the purpose of our existence. Our education and socialisation may do a very good job at masking or disguising this trait, however fundamentally we are all flawed human beings. Our main hope lies in finding redemption ! This is the therapeutic model, which I will refer to frequently in this discussion.

Our children are born with two contrasting traits. On the one hand they possess this vast potential of talent, gifts, resources, and the inherent untapped know-how for developing them all. On the other hand they are born with inherent traits. They are born with a predisposition to repeat our flaws and become self-fulfilling in their character, to the prediction that, like father/mother like son/daughter!

Coupled with the above traits and potential challenges, our children are going to be exposed to an element of pressure from their external(outside their family) environment educational and social