Journey through painful emotions:Children of divorced and separated couples(Pt 1)

I have been doing a series of reflections, on some of the issues facing separated and divorced couples for weeks now. If you are new to my series of reflections, and interested, you have an opportunity to read previous reflections in my ‘eleventh hour teaching’ series. Now let’s name a few of the emotional challenges faced by our children.
Firstly, I will mention them and comment on some of the characteristic observation I have made of their impact on children. What do I mean by impact? Basically, I try to reflect on, the process of a child’s attempt/s to internalise and deal with how he or she may be feeling. That is, when affected by each individual challenge. After discussing what is going on inside a child’s mind, I reflect on more outward displays or expressions of what the child may have been internalising.

My observation is that, as adults, we are more likely to respond to a child’s expression than the impressions that trigger those expressions. This is my emphasis at this stage of my reflection: the ‘impressions’ and perceptions children have about particular situations trigger the ‘expressions’ we fuss about, respond to or even react to! An example can be an outward display of anger. I have discussed ‘Guilt’, ‘low self esteem’ ‘shame’, as a short list of challenges and commented on how they affect children.

Guilt is one of the main difficulties they face! The adult who is observant and wants to help a child needs to watch out for signs: It can be ‘veiled’ in the questions a child asks whilst wrestling with an issue as: ‘Why can’t mummy and daddy get along?’. In many cases, he or she is willing to ask mum or dad a few searching questions, before ‘slowing down’ to an eventful conclusion. However, in case Mummy or Daddy is too busy or perhaps not accommodating enough, to give a response, the conclusion sometimes drawn is this: ‘It must be my fault’! This may not be a logical one for an adult to arrive at, but then a child usually looks for answers which are overly simplistic. An answer within easy grasp! One that a young mind, can handle; Not too complex! Somehow, the child often arrives at the conclusion which seems the most logical one to them.

Low self esteem is often a secondary development to feelings of Guilt. It can develop from thought patterns emerging from a trend of thoughts, which includes ‘self loathing’ thought patterns in a child! Self loathing is when the child feels bad about themselves to a degree they begin to feel ‘there is something wrong with me!’ Belittling or criticism from others, especially adults, can contribute to low self esteem in children. The danger is that, sometimes children are likely to be more vulnerable, increasing the likelihood that such thought patterns can lead to additional complications.


Shame in children can result from an unpleasant experience, which can emerge from their sensitivity to and interaction with another person! It can be the result of how a child interprets specific aspects of another child or an adult’s behaviour or intention towards them. Children are quite ‘delicate’ and ‘fragile’ in nature, and because of this they are more vulnerable! What triggers shame in children? Shame can be triggered by children becoming aware of what they lack compared to other children. A child for example is ashamed because he has seen his friend’s mummy or daddy together. Perhaps, he observes this, during a visit to his friend’s home or whilst watching them sited together as a family in church. So he feels inferior to his friend and ashamed, due to the fact that his ‘mummy or daddy’ lives in separate homes. It is very important that as adults (parent and guardians) we become aware of the child’s perspective. We also need to try to understand this perspective in order to effectively explore such feelings through dialogue and discussions with the child.

An adult may miss a spouse they are separated from, and then dismiss it in a ‘fleeting thought’ of regret! However, the same situation can dominate a child’s mind for most of their life! The fact that a child stops raising an issue, or asking a question may not necessary mean it is resolved! Perhaps the child has observed that, the adult (parent or guardian) is not very comfortable talking about the issue. So he/she stops raising it.


Any of the above emotions can affect a child’s outlook on life in a negative way. When children experience a ‘Surge’ of negative emotions, triggered by anyone of the above factors, the potential exists for certain long-term difficulties in the evolvement of their personality. Note that, I am emphasizing the skill involved in facilitating a child to be effective in processing their experiences. This is why I use the term ‘evolvement in their personality’ and not ‘development’ of their personality. The latter involves guidance, the former direction. We might return to the themes of guidance and direction at a later stage of these series.

Sometimes the child exhibits some outward evidence of the problem: Firstly, they may exhibit ‘Anger’ whereby the child simply refuses to be reasoned with! An adult who has undergone a similar cycle of negative emotions as a child, may exhibit ‘Anger’ too! However, his or her bad temper may be triggered by issues that were unresolved during childhood. Secondly ‘Despair’ due to unfulfilled longings, whereby the child is inconsolable even with the prospect of hopeful promises.

What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue!(To be contd)

(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson