Thursday, 30 September 2010
Wednesday, 29 September 2010
Tuesday, 28 September 2010
Journey through painful emotions:Children of divorced and separated couples(Pt 1)
I have been doing a series of reflections, on some of the issues facing separated and divorced couples for weeks now. If you are new to my series of reflections, and interested, you have an opportunity to read previous reflections in my ‘eleventh hour teaching’ series. Now let’s name a few of the emotional challenges faced by our children.
Firstly, I will mention them and comment on some of the characteristic observation I have made of their impact on children. What do I mean by impact? Basically, I try to reflect on, the process of a child’s attempt/s to internalise and deal with how he or she may be feeling. That is, when affected by each individual challenge. After discussing what is going on inside a child’s mind, I reflect on more outward displays or expressions of what the child may have been internalising.
My observation is that, as adults, we are more likely to respond to a child’s expression than the impressions that trigger those expressions. This is my emphasis at this stage of my reflection: the ‘impressions’ and perceptions children have about particular situations trigger the ‘expressions’ we fuss about, respond to or even react to! An example can be an outward display of anger. I have discussed ‘Guilt’, ‘low self esteem’ ‘shame’, as a short list of challenges and commented on how they affect children.
Guilt is one of the main difficulties they face! The adult who is observant and wants to help a child needs to watch out for signs: It can be ‘veiled’ in the questions a child asks whilst wrestling with an issue as: ‘Why can’t mummy and daddy get along?’. In many cases, he or she is willing to ask mum or dad a few searching questions, before ‘slowing down’ to an eventful conclusion. However, in case Mummy or Daddy is too busy or perhaps not accommodating enough, to give a response, the conclusion sometimes drawn is this: ‘It must be my fault’! This may not be a logical one for an adult to arrive at, but then a child usually looks for answers which are overly simplistic. An answer within easy grasp! One that a young mind, can handle; Not too complex! Somehow, the child often arrives at the conclusion which seems the most logical one to them.
Low self esteem is often a secondary development to feelings of Guilt. It can develop from thought patterns emerging from a trend of thoughts, which includes ‘self loathing’ thought patterns in a child! Self loathing is when the child feels bad about themselves to a degree they begin to feel ‘there is something wrong with me!’ Belittling or criticism from others, especially adults, can contribute to low self esteem in children. The danger is that, sometimes children are likely to be more vulnerable, increasing the likelihood that such thought patterns can lead to additional complications.
Shame in children can result from an unpleasant experience, which can emerge from their sensitivity to and interaction with another person! It can be the result of how a child interprets specific aspects of another child or an adult’s behaviour or intention towards them. Children are quite ‘delicate’ and ‘fragile’ in nature, and because of this they are more vulnerable! What triggers shame in children? Shame can be triggered by children becoming aware of what they lack compared to other children. A child for example is ashamed because he has seen his friend’s mummy or daddy together. Perhaps, he observes this, during a visit to his friend’s home or whilst watching them sited together as a family in church. So he feels inferior to his friend and ashamed, due to the fact that his ‘mummy or daddy’ lives in separate homes. It is very important that as adults (parent and guardians) we become aware of the child’s perspective. We also need to try to understand this perspective in order to effectively explore such feelings through dialogue and discussions with the child.
An adult may miss a spouse they are separated from, and then dismiss it in a ‘fleeting thought’ of regret! However, the same situation can dominate a child’s mind for most of their life! The fact that a child stops raising an issue, or asking a question may not necessary mean it is resolved! Perhaps the child has observed that, the adult (parent or guardian) is not very comfortable talking about the issue. So he/she stops raising it.
Any of the above emotions can affect a child’s outlook on life in a negative way. When children experience a ‘Surge’ of negative emotions, triggered by anyone of the above factors, the potential exists for certain long-term difficulties in the evolvement of their personality. Note that, I am emphasizing the skill involved in facilitating a child to be effective in processing their experiences. This is why I use the term ‘evolvement in their personality’ and not ‘development’ of their personality. The latter involves guidance, the former direction. We might return to the themes of guidance and direction at a later stage of these series.
Sometimes the child exhibits some outward evidence of the problem: Firstly, they may exhibit ‘Anger’ whereby the child simply refuses to be reasoned with! An adult who has undergone a similar cycle of negative emotions as a child, may exhibit ‘Anger’ too! However, his or her bad temper may be triggered by issues that were unresolved during childhood. Secondly ‘Despair’ due to unfulfilled longings, whereby the child is inconsolable even with the prospect of hopeful promises.
What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue!(To be contd)
(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson
Firstly, I will mention them and comment on some of the characteristic observation I have made of their impact on children. What do I mean by impact? Basically, I try to reflect on, the process of a child’s attempt/s to internalise and deal with how he or she may be feeling. That is, when affected by each individual challenge. After discussing what is going on inside a child’s mind, I reflect on more outward displays or expressions of what the child may have been internalising.
My observation is that, as adults, we are more likely to respond to a child’s expression than the impressions that trigger those expressions. This is my emphasis at this stage of my reflection: the ‘impressions’ and perceptions children have about particular situations trigger the ‘expressions’ we fuss about, respond to or even react to! An example can be an outward display of anger. I have discussed ‘Guilt’, ‘low self esteem’ ‘shame’, as a short list of challenges and commented on how they affect children.
Guilt is one of the main difficulties they face! The adult who is observant and wants to help a child needs to watch out for signs: It can be ‘veiled’ in the questions a child asks whilst wrestling with an issue as: ‘Why can’t mummy and daddy get along?’. In many cases, he or she is willing to ask mum or dad a few searching questions, before ‘slowing down’ to an eventful conclusion. However, in case Mummy or Daddy is too busy or perhaps not accommodating enough, to give a response, the conclusion sometimes drawn is this: ‘It must be my fault’! This may not be a logical one for an adult to arrive at, but then a child usually looks for answers which are overly simplistic. An answer within easy grasp! One that a young mind, can handle; Not too complex! Somehow, the child often arrives at the conclusion which seems the most logical one to them.
Low self esteem is often a secondary development to feelings of Guilt. It can develop from thought patterns emerging from a trend of thoughts, which includes ‘self loathing’ thought patterns in a child! Self loathing is when the child feels bad about themselves to a degree they begin to feel ‘there is something wrong with me!’ Belittling or criticism from others, especially adults, can contribute to low self esteem in children. The danger is that, sometimes children are likely to be more vulnerable, increasing the likelihood that such thought patterns can lead to additional complications.
Shame in children can result from an unpleasant experience, which can emerge from their sensitivity to and interaction with another person! It can be the result of how a child interprets specific aspects of another child or an adult’s behaviour or intention towards them. Children are quite ‘delicate’ and ‘fragile’ in nature, and because of this they are more vulnerable! What triggers shame in children? Shame can be triggered by children becoming aware of what they lack compared to other children. A child for example is ashamed because he has seen his friend’s mummy or daddy together. Perhaps, he observes this, during a visit to his friend’s home or whilst watching them sited together as a family in church. So he feels inferior to his friend and ashamed, due to the fact that his ‘mummy or daddy’ lives in separate homes. It is very important that as adults (parent and guardians) we become aware of the child’s perspective. We also need to try to understand this perspective in order to effectively explore such feelings through dialogue and discussions with the child.
An adult may miss a spouse they are separated from, and then dismiss it in a ‘fleeting thought’ of regret! However, the same situation can dominate a child’s mind for most of their life! The fact that a child stops raising an issue, or asking a question may not necessary mean it is resolved! Perhaps the child has observed that, the adult (parent or guardian) is not very comfortable talking about the issue. So he/she stops raising it.
Any of the above emotions can affect a child’s outlook on life in a negative way. When children experience a ‘Surge’ of negative emotions, triggered by anyone of the above factors, the potential exists for certain long-term difficulties in the evolvement of their personality. Note that, I am emphasizing the skill involved in facilitating a child to be effective in processing their experiences. This is why I use the term ‘evolvement in their personality’ and not ‘development’ of their personality. The latter involves guidance, the former direction. We might return to the themes of guidance and direction at a later stage of these series.
Sometimes the child exhibits some outward evidence of the problem: Firstly, they may exhibit ‘Anger’ whereby the child simply refuses to be reasoned with! An adult who has undergone a similar cycle of negative emotions as a child, may exhibit ‘Anger’ too! However, his or her bad temper may be triggered by issues that were unresolved during childhood. Secondly ‘Despair’ due to unfulfilled longings, whereby the child is inconsolable even with the prospect of hopeful promises.
What does a parent or guardian do in order to address and possibly resolve such issues? Personally, I think it is important that a parent or guardian maintains three simple objectives in mind: a) Address the issue with the aim of preventing a complication from developing in their state of mind. In a nutshell, you want to prevent the issue from affecting their state of mind for a long time. You want to prevent a complication from developing because of the issue!(To be contd)
(c)2010 by John Agbenyega Williamson
Sunday, 26 September 2010
Saturday, 25 September 2010
Friday, 24 September 2010
Monday, 20 September 2010
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Friday, 17 September 2010
Tuesday, 14 September 2010
Tuesday, 7 September 2010
A message forwarded by my brother Emmanuel Agbenyega
----- Original Message -----
Subject: Fw: Irish Blessing - I WANT THIS BACK!
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman... 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
It's National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND.
Pass this on, and brighten some one's day.
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: You had better send this back!! Good Luck!
I hope it works...
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your'e dead.
Subject: Fw: Irish Blessing - I WANT THIS BACK!
His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while trying to make a living for his family, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby bog. He dropped his tools
and ran to the bog.
There, mired to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself. Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death.
The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman's sparse surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.
'I want to repay you,' said the nobleman... 'You saved my son's life.'
'No, I can't accept payment for what I did,' the Scottish farmer replied waving off the offer. At that moment, the farmer's own son came to the door of the family hovel.
'Is that your son?' the nobleman asked.
'Yes,' the farmer replied proudly.
'I'll make you a deal. Let me provide him with the level of education my own son will enjoy If the lad is anything like his father, he'll no doubt grow to be a man we both will be proud of.' And that he did.
Farmer Fleming's son attended the very best schools and in time, graduated from St. Mary's Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.
Years afterward, the same nobleman's son who was saved from the bog was stricken with pneumonia.
What saved his life this time? Penicillin.
The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill .. His son's name?
Sir Winston Churchill.
Someone once said: What goes around comes around.
Work like you don't need the money.
Love like you've never been hurt.
Dance like nobody's watching.
Sing like nobody's listening.
Live like it's Heaven on Earth.
It's National Friendship Week. Send this to everyone you consider A FRIEND.
Pass this on, and brighten some one's day.
AN IRISH FRIENDSHIP WISH: You had better send this back!! Good Luck!
I hope it works...
May there always be work for your hands to do;
May your purse always hold a coin or two;
May the sun always shine on your windowpane;
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain;
May the hand of a friend always be near you;
May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.
and may you be in heaven a half hour before the devil knows your'e dead.
Monday, 6 September 2010
Sunday, 5 September 2010
Issues affecting children of marriages that break up!(Part 3)
Contd from Part 2: I need to clarify my intentions for writing on this subject by stating that I AM NOT PREPARING FOR A PLANNED REMARRIAGE! I may be separated, but I have only been so, for about thirteen months! GOD FORBID THAT, SUCH A THING OCCURS! BUT EVEN IF MY WIFE AND I, 'GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS', THAT WOULDN'T END THE PURPOSE OF OUR UNION! Marriages can go through difficulties, or pass through the 'for worse'phase! That might mean either a mutually agreed or unilaterally initiated 'separation'. In some cases, SAD AND PAINFUL as this may be, such acts are 'legally' implemented. The 'D' word attempts to shatter the 'dream' union: Divorce!
Just like a number of folks in my situation, I AM NOT IN DENIAL OF THAT POSSIBILITY! However, in reflecting on such a 'worse case scenario' I have anticipated what my response would be. Based on my faith in Jesus Christ, His Holy Scriptures, my personal convictions after studying scriptural doctrine; the pattern Jesus Christ implemented as reported in the Gospel stories here is my response:
If I entered into a remarriage, BASED ON A WORSE CASE SCENARIO OF MY MARRIAGE ENDING UP IN DIVORCE,I am aware of the following difficulties:
a) First of all, I will be 'ejecting' in midflight, from the purpose of our union. I believe marriages have a purpose which continues even after this worse case scenario.
b)As traumatic as a Divorce could be, remarriage, resulting from my own effort to become rehabilitated from the scars of the relationship will usually lead to regret. This is due to the likelihood, that I would enter into another relationship with the 'burden' of my unhealed condition! IF I FEEL ADEQUATELY REHABILITATED OR HEALED, THEN THE FIRST TEST IS INITIATING RECONCILIATION, RESTORATION OF MY MARRIAGE! Obviously, under certain circumstances, this isn't possible.Which builds a more compelling case for celibacy, than for remarriage.
c)The issue of remaining celibate, in my situation has always been an option I have considered. In reading the Pauline epistle 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, the writer also strongly preaches the option of celibacy. The language he uses are mainly as if to highlight the principle that Celibacy and reconciliation to a spouse ought to be the options for consideration, instead of remarriage! I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE THAT, THIS IS AN OPTION WHICH DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. SO I DO NOT FEEL, IT IS FAIR FOR OTHERS TO USE MY EXPERIENCE AS A CASE FOR DIRECT PRACTICAL APPLICATION TO THEIR INDIVIDUAL SITUATION. PERSONALLY, I DO NOT HAVE ANY REMARRIAGE PROSPECTS OR OPTIONS.
ON THE DELICATE ISSUE OF MARRIAGE, JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF HIGHLIGHTS THE FACT THAT IT IS FOR THOSE TO WHOM THE SAYING IS GIVEN BY GOD.
THE MESSAGE VERSION TRANSLATION OF MATTHEW 19:12:
BUT JESUS SAID, ''NOT EVERYONE IS MATURE ENOUGH TO LIVE A MARRIED LIFE. IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN APTITUDE AND GRACE. MARRIAGE ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. SOME, FROM BIRTH SEEMINGLY, NEVER GIVE MARRIAGE A THOUGHT. OTHERS NEVER GET ASKED-OR ACCEPTED. AND SOME DECIDE NOT TO GET MARRIED FOR KINGDOM REASONS. BUT IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GROWING INTO THE LARGENESS OF MARRIAGE, DO IT.''
Question? What about those in a remarriage kind of situation? Are they condemned? No, not my view! I have identified that position in a previous reflection on my fb page as the theological legalist's position. In order to read what I have shared, you would need to go to my face book wall, to read the blog
'What God Has Put Together....' From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections.(Part 2) and
'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER' PART 3(From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections)
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 4
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Just like a number of folks in my situation, I AM NOT IN DENIAL OF THAT POSSIBILITY! However, in reflecting on such a 'worse case scenario' I have anticipated what my response would be. Based on my faith in Jesus Christ, His Holy Scriptures, my personal convictions after studying scriptural doctrine; the pattern Jesus Christ implemented as reported in the Gospel stories here is my response:
If I entered into a remarriage, BASED ON A WORSE CASE SCENARIO OF MY MARRIAGE ENDING UP IN DIVORCE,I am aware of the following difficulties:
a) First of all, I will be 'ejecting' in midflight, from the purpose of our union. I believe marriages have a purpose which continues even after this worse case scenario.
b)As traumatic as a Divorce could be, remarriage, resulting from my own effort to become rehabilitated from the scars of the relationship will usually lead to regret. This is due to the likelihood, that I would enter into another relationship with the 'burden' of my unhealed condition! IF I FEEL ADEQUATELY REHABILITATED OR HEALED, THEN THE FIRST TEST IS INITIATING RECONCILIATION, RESTORATION OF MY MARRIAGE! Obviously, under certain circumstances, this isn't possible.Which builds a more compelling case for celibacy, than for remarriage.
c)The issue of remaining celibate, in my situation has always been an option I have considered. In reading the Pauline epistle 1 Corinthians Chapter 7, the writer also strongly preaches the option of celibacy. The language he uses are mainly as if to highlight the principle that Celibacy and reconciliation to a spouse ought to be the options for consideration, instead of remarriage! I WHOLEHEARTEDLY AGREE THAT, THIS IS AN OPTION WHICH DOES NOT APPLY TO EVERYONE. SO I DO NOT FEEL, IT IS FAIR FOR OTHERS TO USE MY EXPERIENCE AS A CASE FOR DIRECT PRACTICAL APPLICATION TO THEIR INDIVIDUAL SITUATION. PERSONALLY, I DO NOT HAVE ANY REMARRIAGE PROSPECTS OR OPTIONS.
ON THE DELICATE ISSUE OF MARRIAGE, JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF HIGHLIGHTS THE FACT THAT IT IS FOR THOSE TO WHOM THE SAYING IS GIVEN BY GOD.
THE MESSAGE VERSION TRANSLATION OF MATTHEW 19:12:
BUT JESUS SAID, ''NOT EVERYONE IS MATURE ENOUGH TO LIVE A MARRIED LIFE. IT REQUIRES A CERTAIN APTITUDE AND GRACE. MARRIAGE ISN'T FOR EVERYONE. SOME, FROM BIRTH SEEMINGLY, NEVER GIVE MARRIAGE A THOUGHT. OTHERS NEVER GET ASKED-OR ACCEPTED. AND SOME DECIDE NOT TO GET MARRIED FOR KINGDOM REASONS. BUT IF YOU ARE CAPABLE OF GROWING INTO THE LARGENESS OF MARRIAGE, DO IT.''
Question? What about those in a remarriage kind of situation? Are they condemned? No, not my view! I have identified that position in a previous reflection on my fb page as the theological legalist's position. In order to read what I have shared, you would need to go to my face book wall, to read the blog
'What God Has Put Together....' From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections.(Part 2) and
'WHAT GOD HAS PUT TOGETHER' PART 3(From my Tenth Wedding Anniversary Reflections)
TO BE CONTINUED IN PART 4
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Issues affecting children of marriages that break up!(Part 2)
Continued from Part 1: If mum and dad are no longer 'doing family' for each other's sake, whatever compromises they enter into is only a fraagile truce! It won't be of any lasting benefit to the children(unless purposefully done to uphold the element of the marriage covenant). It is at best a Civil Contract, on a simliar league as a loosely binding pact, either of them, could form with a third party. When a fragile truce breaks, the effects are worse , than if there hadn't been a truce in the first place!
John, what are you suggesting? That mum and dad not make any attempts to get along? I am not trying to undermine, any inclination towards preserving a consensus of civility between each other! However, I am suggesting that mum decides, 'unilaterally', that she is going to be an agent of peace and tranquility! That Dad decides, unilaterally, he would pursue peace! I am also saying that mum and dad resist any compromises , that fall short of the original intention of the relationship! That the two shall be one. I AM AWARE THAT STATEMENTS LIKE THE ONES I HAVE JUST MADE WOULD HAVE TO BE CLARIFIED! PLEASE CONTINUE READING TO OBTAIN A CLEARER PICTURE OF WHAT I AM TRYING TO DESCRIBE!
When the two, both mum and dad are determined to pursue peace towards others and not indulge in strife, a degree of tranquility and security will prevail! Inspite of the dysfunctional nature or the state of dysfunction within their relationship ! Hopefully, an indirect result of 'prayer generated change'can bring about a latent effect within their situation. Yes,positive results!It only takes one of them praying or others praying for them,for healing to be a)effected in them individually,and b)through each other. Question: How is this going to benefit their children?
Children of divorced or separated parents want more than compromises between mum and dad!Their ultimate desire, which is a good reflection of their need, is for the healing and restoration of their parent's relationship.PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE A DEGREE OF WHOLENESS CAN OCCUR,EVEN IF BOTH PARENTS END UP GOING THEIR SEPARATE WAYS! And sometimes, that is exactly what happens! Atleast this is the case in a growing number of real life scenarios. I admit, this is not the ideal! However, the non-ideal is becoming a growing occurrence. It cannot simply be ignored, it must be commented upon. It must be responded to! THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS FOR REFLECTIONS LIKE THIS ONE.
Just like I have pointed out above, in a growing number of cases,parents end up going their separate ways! This creates genuine theological and doctrinal issues, which may never be resolved within particular church denominations! However,families existed before denominations of churches! FAMILIES WOULD NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AS A UNIT, EVEN WHEN INDIVIDUALS IN THAT UNIT ARE WRITTEN OFF BY ONE THEOLOGICAL EMPHASIS OR THE OTHER!
In conclusion to part 2: I am determined in my reflections here, not to stall at individual doctrinal positions about marriage breakdown!As a result, I am adopting the position that,true healing, can be evident in a relationship, even if both parties are never Restored in their relationship as 'Husband and wife'! AND IF THEY END UP IN A REMARRIAGE SITUATION, ALTHOUGH THEIR REMARRIAGE TO ANOTHER PARTNER IS PREMEDITATED!
(CONTINUED IN PART 3)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
John, what are you suggesting? That mum and dad not make any attempts to get along? I am not trying to undermine, any inclination towards preserving a consensus of civility between each other! However, I am suggesting that mum decides, 'unilaterally', that she is going to be an agent of peace and tranquility! That Dad decides, unilaterally, he would pursue peace! I am also saying that mum and dad resist any compromises , that fall short of the original intention of the relationship! That the two shall be one. I AM AWARE THAT STATEMENTS LIKE THE ONES I HAVE JUST MADE WOULD HAVE TO BE CLARIFIED! PLEASE CONTINUE READING TO OBTAIN A CLEARER PICTURE OF WHAT I AM TRYING TO DESCRIBE!
When the two, both mum and dad are determined to pursue peace towards others and not indulge in strife, a degree of tranquility and security will prevail! Inspite of the dysfunctional nature or the state of dysfunction within their relationship ! Hopefully, an indirect result of 'prayer generated change'can bring about a latent effect within their situation. Yes,positive results!It only takes one of them praying or others praying for them,for healing to be a)effected in them individually,and b)through each other. Question: How is this going to benefit their children?
Children of divorced or separated parents want more than compromises between mum and dad!Their ultimate desire, which is a good reflection of their need, is for the healing and restoration of their parent's relationship.PERSONALLY, I BELIEVE A DEGREE OF WHOLENESS CAN OCCUR,EVEN IF BOTH PARENTS END UP GOING THEIR SEPARATE WAYS! And sometimes, that is exactly what happens! Atleast this is the case in a growing number of real life scenarios. I admit, this is not the ideal! However, the non-ideal is becoming a growing occurrence. It cannot simply be ignored, it must be commented upon. It must be responded to! THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS FOR REFLECTIONS LIKE THIS ONE.
Just like I have pointed out above, in a growing number of cases,parents end up going their separate ways! This creates genuine theological and doctrinal issues, which may never be resolved within particular church denominations! However,families existed before denominations of churches! FAMILIES WOULD NEED TO MOVE FORWARD AS A UNIT, EVEN WHEN INDIVIDUALS IN THAT UNIT ARE WRITTEN OFF BY ONE THEOLOGICAL EMPHASIS OR THE OTHER!
In conclusion to part 2: I am determined in my reflections here, not to stall at individual doctrinal positions about marriage breakdown!As a result, I am adopting the position that,true healing, can be evident in a relationship, even if both parties are never Restored in their relationship as 'Husband and wife'! AND IF THEY END UP IN A REMARRIAGE SITUATION, ALTHOUGH THEIR REMARRIAGE TO ANOTHER PARTNER IS PREMEDITATED!
(CONTINUED IN PART 3)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Saturday, 4 September 2010
Issues affecting children of marriages that break up!(Part 1)
Sunday Evening is often a special and a wonderful time for the family!But for many children whose parents are either separated or divorced there are other needs as well! Bedtime is quite lonely! Going to bed, longing for both parents and not just one to be around is especially one area of longing.
Adults can easily escape into the diversion of work! Children usually, only have two kinds of outlets: one steming from negative emotions such as anger, resentment, distress and the other from more creative ones, which often result in fantasizing, daydreaming!
An adult may succeed well in blocking out, relational issues he or she faces!A CHILD HAS NO PLACE TO HIDE! His or her very world is being threatened when mum or dad cannot get along. He or she has no life experiences in helping determine possible outcomes!No way of applying through firsthand experience conventional insights,that interpreted highlight the age old wisdom: THIS ONE TOO WILL PASS!
The Adults who are caught in the Crossfire of a failed relationship are often aware of some degree of suffering that their beloved little darlings are undergoing. Naturally, they want to protect their loved ones. IT IS AT THIS STAGE THAT A LOT OF COMPROMISE IS STRUCK.
They agree to do certain things,'forthe sake of the children'. But this is where the biggest mistakes are made!Because the very rationale behind the reasoning is flawed! When two people who once loved each other, agree to get along, for the sake of a third party;even though in reference to their own children.They are rewriting the committment they once made to each other!(contd in Part 2)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
Adults can easily escape into the diversion of work! Children usually, only have two kinds of outlets: one steming from negative emotions such as anger, resentment, distress and the other from more creative ones, which often result in fantasizing, daydreaming!
An adult may succeed well in blocking out, relational issues he or she faces!A CHILD HAS NO PLACE TO HIDE! His or her very world is being threatened when mum or dad cannot get along. He or she has no life experiences in helping determine possible outcomes!No way of applying through firsthand experience conventional insights,that interpreted highlight the age old wisdom: THIS ONE TOO WILL PASS!
The Adults who are caught in the Crossfire of a failed relationship are often aware of some degree of suffering that their beloved little darlings are undergoing. Naturally, they want to protect their loved ones. IT IS AT THIS STAGE THAT A LOT OF COMPROMISE IS STRUCK.
They agree to do certain things,'forthe sake of the children'. But this is where the biggest mistakes are made!Because the very rationale behind the reasoning is flawed! When two people who once loved each other, agree to get along, for the sake of a third party;even though in reference to their own children.They are rewriting the committment they once made to each other!(contd in Part 2)
Copyright(C)2010 John Agbenyega Williamson
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Look-Up Newsletter Issue 1 Vol 7
Look-Up Newsletter Issue 1 Vol 7 Editorial Dear famil y and friends, shalom blessings and a very Happy New Year to you in this still-fresh...
